Teen Titans in Political Movie Parodies from Hell!
by General Rage
Summary: The Titans parody recent and old political films. With Topics ranging from Communist Paranoia to Anarchist terrorists! Rated T for several mature and possibly controversial themes. THE OSCAR FINALE! Slight BBRAE fluff strewn throughout. INSANITY!
1. Chapter 1

Warning: These movies are liked by some people yet totally hated by others. Mostly because their plots are overly predictable and follow the same themes. They also very hypocritical at the same time. Also these movies are usually taking things to the extreme right and left. Both shall be made fun of beyond all recognition and those with weak constitutions should stay away! I'm serious! Don't read unless you're some kind of South Park conservative or a person who never actually votes.

General Rage presents...

**The Titans Left Wing/Right Wing Movie Parodies!**

Starring the Teen Titans

Parodying all those bland and crappy movies that have some kinda political theme behind them.

**Chapter 1: Of Vendettas and Diaries!**

Starring

Robin as Codename X

Raven as the overly oppressed partner

Brother Blood as evil Dictator

Slade as Nazi nut job

Terra as The Nazi Nut job's girlfriend

Everyone else is a civilian or rebel or some other loser.

Raven looked up from the casting script before her and turned to the Director

"Why am I stuck as the emotionally stressed partner?" Raven asked

Because," General Rage explained from his director's chair "Starfire is too girly to be Robin's girlfriend for this kinda scenario. Rest solace in the fact that everything will turn out fine in the end, trust me.

Raven was still not sure about all of this

"I'm not gonna have have sex with someone am I?"

"No." Rage assured "You'll probably just be abused and stuff.

"What?" Raven shouted in surprise

"And action!" Rage said ignoring her obvious dissagreement and contiued his directing

"This better be worth the 50 bucks." Raven said as she stomped off to the set.

* * *

(Opening) 

Brother Blood: As your supreme dictator, I now will throw you this overly elaborate homage to me! (Cuts ribbon to Brother Blood Museum) Now everyone cheer or die!

(Soldiers aim guns at crowd)

Crowd: Huzzah.

Brother Blood: I do so love being evil. (Museum Explodes) What the... OH COME ON! That's not cool man!

(Guy with skull mask and top hat appear across every TV screen in the city)

X: Hear me people of Jump City! Our leaders are a bunch of evil overbearing pricks! They must all die horribly! They have killed and oppressed us for far to long! Which is why I blew up the Museum and endangered thousands of possibly nearby civilians. In one year I shall return and blow up the capital. This will accomplish nothing except to make a cool special effect but who cares! Join me and be free! Don't and suffer the consequences! (TV turns off)

Bro. Blood: Ah poop! Now I have to call a meeting of the league of evil. (Turns to crowd) Everyone just go along like nothing happened and eat some pie or something.

Cyborg: I like pie!

Bro. Blood: Yeah whatever.

(Raven walking down dark alley, suddenly Slade comes up to her)

Slade: Hello there fellow revolutionary!

Raven: Who the hell are you?

Slade: I'm a member of a secret underground organization that opposes the government. Here have a leaflet. (Passes her a leaflet Raven read it)

Raven: "Join the Nazi Commando Butt Kickers and get a free cupcake." You're a Nazi?

Slade: Yes and we all love the white race! White Power!

Raven: Whatever, I think I'll pass.

Slade: Oh come on, think of the free cupcakes. They're chocolatey!

Raven: You're just desperate are you?

Slade: Yes, I have only one other member. My girlfriend.

(Terra comes from behind a dumpster)

Terra: Can we go now. It's cold and dark and nobody actually would walk home down these kinda alleys.

Slade: Silence woman! (Back to Raven) Tell you what, you join and I'll let you throw the first Molotov at the Synagogue!

Raven: How about you just go away?

Slade: Oh come on! You get to wear this swastika arm band.

Raven: I'm telling you no.

Slade: Why?

Raven: One, because you're not attractive. You are a freaky looking masked idiot who probably molests children. Two, The Turner Diaries was the dumbest story ever written by a backwards Anti-Semite due to it's lack of plot and 2D characters. Finally Three, (Looks at Camera) General Rage this is stupid! Why did you want to make fun of Nazis in a film about an anarchist rebellion?

GR: V for Vendetta is mostly just a bunch of explosions okay. I needed to add something to fill up the space between the idoitic banter.

Raven: Well I'm not going any further until this crappy parody ends. Either get back to what I signed on for or you can keep your 50 bucks.

GR: Alright fine. Slade, Terra you're fired!

Terra: Great, now I can get out of this brown shirt.

(Walks off set)

Slade: You can't fire me! I studied my character well, I listened to audio tapes of the book, you know how bad that writing is! I finally got into the whole Nazi persona of Turner after twenty seven hours! You can't do this to me!

GR: Sorry, but Raven's right. "The Turner Diaries" is too bad a book to bother doing a parody about it. You can go now.

Slade: But...

GR: GO! (Slade slumps off screen) Okay Raven, let's skip ahead to the part where you're mobbed by the crazy government officials. Played by Billy Numerous.

Billy: Howdy!

Raven: (Unenthusiatic) Oh no, help. Save me. I'm going to die.

Billy: You know you could at least try.

(X jumps down and throws a knife into Billy's head he then collapses)

GR: Oh Robin! You were supposed to engage in witty banter and do a series a cool kung-fu moves.

(Takes off Red X mask)

Robin: Screw that! This thing is pointless. I should be fighting crime, not doing a movie!

GR: If you're a good boy Robin and you do your part right, you'll end up at the scene where you get to sex torture Raven until she submits to your will and ideas.

Raven: That wasn't part of the deal!

GR: Don't worry your stunt double is Kitten.

Robin: Alright fine. (Puts mask back on) I'm X, the anarchist rebel who has come to free the oppressed and suffering!

Raven: What does the X stand for?

X: Um, Xtra order of Vengeance!

Raven: (Sarcastically) Wow thats pretty cool. Hey did I ever tell you about how my parents were killed by the government. I want to help you.

X: But we just met.

Raven: I know it seems fast, but I'm one those... (to Rage) I'm not saying this!

GR: Just read what I wrote!

Raven: (Sighs) I'm a pathetic disengaged loser and easily munipulated by a guy in a cool mask.

X: Great, lets go and talk about the evils of government for about a year until we blow something up.

Raven: I'm going to kill you Rage.

GR: You signed on for this.

(Inside very evil roundtable room)

Bro. Blood: People we have a problem. Someone is threating our rule. Now this person is small and insignifficant and if we just let the issue go and carry on like bussiness as usual and just build up security around the Capital building for the next year everything should be fine, but because we are paranoid morons we're gonna do the opposite.

Mumbo: We're gonna capitulate to the terrorists?

Bro. Blood: NO! We're going to crackdown on many of the basic freedoms that people still have left. Eventually we'll root out this X character.

Killer Moth: Won't that make people hate us and want to join our enemies.

Bro. Blood: Moth, if you don't understand paranoid dictatorship guidelines than you need to go to re-education. Mad Mod, I'm putting you on task to find this X guy whilst I send my soldiers to increase their evil intolerant preseance everywhere. You'll have the cooperation of the entire police force!

Mad Mod: Shagadelic! (Goes over to police station) Alright my Duckies let's crackdown on some dissent!

(Runs off with police officers)

Bro. Blood: Gentlemen I want this terrorist found and I want you to teach him the real meaning of terror!

Control Freak: We're gonna make him watch Educational TV!

Bro. Blood: NO YOU IDIOT! WE'RE GOING TO KILL HIM SLOWLY AND PAINFULLY!

Control Freak: Oh. Right. Sorry.

(Later at X's Hideout)

X: Respect my Authoritha Bitch! (Whips Raven's Stunt Double)

Kitten: OW! Why does it have to be real whips!

(Offstage Raven is chating with Rage by the coffee machine)

Raven: I just can't stand these rumours on the Internet that say I cut myself. I mean, why would I do that? I'm not that depressed right?

Rage: No, no, those rumours just started because you're a goth.

Raven: Goths do not cut themselves. People believe that idiotic stereotype because they don't know what a Goth really is. I mean just because you hang out in a dark and dingy bar room with people who never see the sun and listen to industrial/punk music all day doesn't automatically make you a cutter.

Kitten: DEAR GOD WHY DOES NOBODY STOP THIS!?! (Whip) OW!

(Slade comes up to Rage)

Slade: Hey Rage.

GR: Slade, did you forget I fired you?

Slade: Listen, I re-read the book and in this chapter my character participates in the hanging of several Black and mixed racial couples. So I was thinking maybe I could get Cyborg and Bumblebee to star next to me, but before I hang them, a pimp mobile comes up and flattens me and they both hop in and drive off! Huh? Huh? You like it huh?

GR: I told you, were not doing a stupid parody of that Nazi book anymore.

Slade: You can't do this me man! I'm Slade! I'm an evil mastermind! I can have you murdered!

GR: Security!

(Bodyguards drag off screaming Slade. Kitten crawls to GR's feet)

Kitten: Can I please go home!

GR: Alright, Raven get back in there and look like you're in pain.

Raven: Fine, but only because of the Fifty bucks.

(Raven lies on the floor and pants heavily)

X: Now submit to my will woman! Or do you want me to sexually assualt you again!

Raven: Yeah alright, I'll follow all your plans without question.

X: Cool, now go home while I plan to blow up the Capital a year from now.

(Raven leaves Hideout and is later captured by the Government police)

(Prison cell, Raven's head is shaved bald.)

Raven: Lucky me, it's just makeup.

(Mad Mod come in)

Mad Mod: Alright my ducky. I know we are supposed to be a facist dictatorship, but we need to sound completely reasonable at first and than get really nasty towards you after. Now give us the ID of Codename X and we'll let you walk out of here.

Raven: No.

Mad Mod: We'll resurect a statue in your honour.

Raven: No.

Mad Mod: We'll give you a real cool sports car.

Raven: No.

Mad Mod: We'll send you to tropical paradise.

Raven: No.

Mad Mod: We'll give you hamburger.

Raven: NO!

Madmod: Okay, why won't you tell us who X is! I mean this is all pretty damn good stuff!

Raven: Because you're an evil dictatorship. You aren't going to live up to your promises and I don't even know who X is! He never takes off his damn mask okay!

Stage Hand: Didn't Robin do that earlier?

GR: Just film moron. And keep the boom mike out of the camera feed.

Stage Hand: Whoops, sorry (Moves boom mike up)

(Mad Mod exits room)

Mad Mod: Ain't working lads. The gal is tough.

Dr. Light: Let me try. I can be very persuasive. (Pulls out a gun and cocks it)

(Later in the cell)

Dr. Light: (Pleading) Come on! Tell me who X is!

Raven: No.

Dr. Light: I'll be your best friend!

Raven: No.

Dr. Light: Awwww, you're mean.

(Mad Mod bursts in)

Mad Mod: That's it! You either tells us who X is or you'll be forced to endure our most horrible torture! Whiny protest songs from the sixties!

(Cuts to Guitar playing Hippie)

Hippie: _Well, the government is evil, the Government hates me,_

_The government broke into my house and stole my Colour TV!_

(Cut back to Raven)

Raven: Okay, thats bad, but if you're trying to intimidate me it isn't working.

(Wall explodes to the left Slade comes up through the hole)

Slade: Be free my white comrades! Crush the Juedens!

GR: Slade! Go away! You're fired remember!

Slade: But this is my best scene!

GR: Someone blow up the wall Robin is suppose to go through.

(Robin's Wall blows up)

X: Time to kick some oppressive regime butt!

(Guards come in and shoot X, but it fails horribly as nothing happens to him)

X: HA! Suckers! The writers of this film made me completely invulnerable thus making it impossible for me to be faced with any real danger, making me a rather shallow hero and rendering all fight scenes pointless! Now eat lead! (Pulls out glock and kills everyone in room) Come on Raven, let's get out of here and talk about how much the government sucks!

Raven: Fine, but only because I want this dumb film to end.

(One year later or something in front of the capital building)

(Crowd of X look alikes appear at capital)

Bro. Blood: Now everyone, I know we don't like each other and I destroyed all your freedoms and crushed all your dreams. But you still need me because... I got nothing. (Crowd of masked X's looks at him awkwardly) Soldiers do something!

Soldier: (On blowhorn) Will the real codename X please stand up. Please Stand up. Please Stand up.

Bro. Blood: You're an idiot.

(Slade jumps up on stage wearing a nuclear bomb)

Slade: I betrayed my comrades to the Isrealites and their Black buddies! Now I will blow up the government building!

GR: Slade you're fired remember! Get out of my studio!

Slade: Just let me blow up the building please!

(X jumps on stage)

X: Hell no, I'm suppose to commit the suicide bombing not you!

Slade: Screw you, I'm doing this my own way!

X: I'm fighting a fascist state here!

Slade: No its communist and progressive!

X: Fascist!

Slade: Progressive!

X: Fascist!

Slade: Progressive!

(X and Slade start yelling at each other about conflicting government conspiracies while crowd looks on confused)

Random look-alike: This is stupid. When are they gonna blow something up?

Random Look-Alike 2: Yeah thats the only reason I came here dressed like this. I wanted to see explosions.

Actual Anarchist: This is gay! Anarchy isn't about dressing up like one person! It's about finding your look and then using that to spread the message!

Random look-alike: But we still get to litght stuff on fire right?

Anarchist: Yes, it wouldn't be mindless and chaotic if you weren't allowed to light stuff on fire.

GR: That's it! This plot isn't going by fast enough! (Presses button on chair and the whole studio explodes, GR is protected by lead shield, dust finally settles) Thats a wrap people good work! Alright let's clean this mess up and hit the bar.

(Raven comes up out of the fog)

Raven: I swear, this was the dumbest thing I've ever done.

GR: Whatever, I finished the movie. Here's your 50 bucks.

(Raven grabs money)

Raven: Great I'm gonna buy Beastboy that Video Game he wanted.

GR: I thought you hated him.

Raven: Well, I just wanted him to stop complaining about it. It's not like there's some kinda shrine to him in my closet. (Claps hands over mouth) This conversation didn't happen. (Leaves)

GR: Okay. See you next week when we continue with our next picture.

Half Charbroiled Slade: White Power! (Collapses)

(Robin stumbles out of fire)

Robin: You could have killed me! Did you know how much fire there was back there?

GR: No, but it was so awesome wasn't it?

Robin: I don't even know what the message you were trying to get across was.

GR: There is none! This is an explosion movie dumby!

Robin: That's bull crap! I just wasted my entire day doing this crappy parody and there isn't even a message in it! What about all the musings of government corruption and greed and...

GR: No one cares about that! Just put in enough explosions and everyone will be happy.

Robin: So what's the next film.

GR: I'm thinking of doing an epic, a supremely big budget extravanganza. Two families torn apart by war, devastation, tragedy, gun battles, love and southern accents.

Robin: Oh boy, I have a bad feeling about this one.

GR: Just do your job boy and put on this Confedrate outfit.

* * *

Next chapter, the Titans have to endure the craptacular epic of D.W. Griffith in a parody of Birth of a Nation and this time the brothers aren't taking it lying down. 

For now Read and Review...


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2: Birth of an Idiot Nation**

Starring:

Robin as Cameron

Starfire as Cameron's Southernbell girlfriend in another family

Speedy as the Abolinationist

Cyborg, Bumblebee, Raven and Beastboy as every black in the film!

"You cast me as the asshole who starts the KKK!" Robin shouted looking up from the casting script

"It's not personal Robin." General Rage assured "Trust me, I'll make it up to you when we get to do those 80's action films."

"You better." Robin demanded

It was then that Beastboy realised a problem

"Wait a second!" Beastboy began to point out "I'm not black!"

"Niether am I." Raven agreed "I'm the most white person here."

General Rage gave this some though and eventually found out a solution for the problem

"MAKE UP!"

A Make up team suddenly tackled Beastboy and Raven and when they came up from the tussle they were now in blackface

"What type of bulls--t is this?" Beastboy asked in anger

"I am not going on camera looking like this." Raven protested "It will ruin my reputation."

"Now listen you two," General Rage explained "the film is a parody of DW Griffith's racist film. That means it's going to make fun of white supremicists instead of the other way around."

Beastboy began to rub his blackface make up off

"Well since the people who are technically targeted in the original film are coloured,"said Beastrboy "then don't need any of this idiotic stuff on me. I'm Green for the love of god."

"And I refuse to go on looking like this." Raven told rage as she reapeted Beastboy's actions and rubbed off her blackface

"Fine," Rage consented "but we're dressing you like Aunt Jeminia and giving you a quickie tan."

A Wardrobe and Spa treatment team surrounded Raven and when she got up, her pale face was now brown and she looked like the lady on the syrup bottle

"This fake tan better come off." She threatened

"I don't know Rae," Beastboy said looking at her "it really brings out your eyes." Raven looked at him angirly forcing the changeling to explain himself "I'm serious, it was a compliment."

Raven was taken a back by this

"It was?" She asked

"Yeah." Beastboy confirmed

Raven blushed at this, but the moment was spoiled by General Rage and his directorial ambitions

"Okay people get to the soundstage," He shouted "we have a parody to do."

* * *

(Opening with Black Union Soldiers "attacking" a bunch southners) 

Jynx: Do not hurt us!

Mammoth: Yeah man we're defenceless.

Cyborg: Okay, I just wanted to ask if you had any pie. That's all! Why do you have to be so...

Aqualad: Please! Don't rape our children.

See-More: This is idiotic. We haven't even done anything.

Herald: By the way, how come this entire platoon is made up of black people?

Cyborg: There were Black soldiers in the Civil War you know.

See-More: Amen to that brother, Ha ha!

(Trumpet sounds and the billy Numerous Cavarly runs down the hill)

Billy: The south shall rise again!

Cyborg: Herald.

(Herald blows horn and opens up a rift that sucks all the Billy Numerous cavalry up)

Herald: Can we get the hell out of here now.

Cyborg: Fine they don't have pie anyway.

(See-More, Cyborg and Herald begin to leave)

Aqualad: HEY! Aren't you gonna try and rape our children?

See-More: For the last time no!

(Southern Plantation, Starfire and Robin walking out in the fields)

Starfire: Oh friend Robin...

GR: Starfire in this scene he's named Cameron.

Starfire: But that is not his name.

GR: Just pretend that Robin changed his name okay? Like he'll do when he becomes Nightwing.

Starfire: Very well, Friend Cameron. I fear I can not be with you. My father has become an abolinationist and wishes to free the slaves still in captivity after the war.

Robin/Cameron: But why, does he not see how happy they are as slaves?

(Cut to Beastboy and Raven in the cotton fields)

BB: Are we getting paid for this?

Raven: No.

BB: Then why the hell am I doing this?

Raven: Because if you don't the scary guys over there will whip you.

Scary Guy: A slave loves to be whipped.

BB: Yikes! (Picks cotton like crazy)

(Cut back to Robin and Starfire now joined by Cyborg)

Robin/Cameron: Ah my favourite house slave has come to bring us a picnic lunch and give us entertainment.

Cyborg: No way man! I'm not doing any minstrel shows for you.

Scary guy: Sounds like someone needs a good whipping!

Cyborg: What makes you think I want that?

Scary Guy: Slaves liked to be abused.

Cyborg: Dude, why would you think that crap up?

Scary Guy: Look just perform a song and dance number for the masters or you'll beaten with a fire poker.

(Cyborg sighs and starts kick legs out unenthusiastically)

Cyborg: (Detached) I will do the German dance for you it's fun and gay and tra la la. Hope you will enjoy my Dance. Tra la la la.

Starfire: Most amusing, now eat this melon of water in a comical manner. (holds up watermelon)

(Cyborg looks at her angirly)

Cyborg: Okay that is it! (Punches scary guy next to him) You "master boys" can go screw yourselves! (Walks off of plantation)

Robin/Cameron: See, slaves love entertaining us.

(Cotton bail hits him square in the chest and brings him down to the ground)

Cyborg: Go to hell!

Washington DC.

Bro. Blood: And now, the glorious age of tolerance shall begin. As we indite our first black senator to the fold.

(See-More walks up to podium)

See-More: The ladies are all feeling alright! Because everyone knows See-More is (claps hands) DYNOMITE!

GR: See-More! We're trying to avoid racial streotypes!

See-More: But that was a good series man.

GR: Fine, but no references to Bill Cosby. The NAACP will be really down our throats then.

See-More: Ah come one, Bill Cosby's great.

GR: Not since he made that speech saying that in order to improve Ghettos they couldn't beg for money from the government. Now return to the action please. Val-Yor, your line.

Val-Yor: I protest to this action! If we let him in, all kinds of black people will come in until the only white people left are from the south!

Bro. Blood: What fantasy do you live in? Anyway, we're also giving blacks fair voting rights.

Val-Yor: I am outraged by this!

Bro. Blood: Why I dare ask?

Val-Yor: Because... uh... Blacks are animals and will corrupt the whole process of voting! I have no proof, but it's true!

See-More: Hey man, you don't like it than you can suck my chocolate salty balls!

Chef: Amen.

GR: Dude, please, no more famous black people references.

(BB and Raven's plantation)

BB: Did we use up our 10 second break yet?

Raven: They said it's down to five now.

BB: I thought emancipation proclamation meant we didn't have to do this anymore!

Raven: Just relax okay, I have a feeling everything's gonna be okay.

(Bumblebee runs up to BB and Rae)

Bumblebee: Guys, they're voting down at the train station!

BB: They are!

Bumblebee: Yeah and it says we can vote too.

(Robin runs out of house)

Robin/Cameron: No don't go and vote! You'll be corrupted by the free blacks and they will whip you if you refuse to vote for the apporiate candidates that will allow blacks to control the senate!

BB: Dude, we get whipped enough here.

Raven: Yeah, I'd rather spend my time voting than picking cotton. What do you guys need with so much cotton anyway?

BB: You want it so bad? (Throws basket to Robin) Pick it yourself ya lazy bum.

(BB, Raven and Bumblebee leave, and Robin looks down at cotton field)

Robin/Cameron: Okay, pick cotton myself. How hard can it be?

(2 hours later, Robin has no idea how to do the job)

Robin/Cameron: Where the hell do I start!?

Gizmo: What you need is the Cotton Gin 2000! It can clear a cotton field in twice the the speed a dozen slaves can. It's more ethical and efficent. It's easy to use and you don't have to worry about it getting uppity.

(Robin considers the offer)

Robin/Cameron: It's not the same. (lowers head in sorrow)

Gizmo: Man you southern slave owners are pathetic.

(Starfire is walking on a side walk when Speedy and Herald walk by)

Starfire: Why is this black person on the sidewalk? Why does he not walk where he is suppose to?

Speedy: Hey, he can walk where he wants to.

(Starfire falls down)

Starfire: The man in the mask has hit me and now wishes his coloured friend to rape me!

Speedy: What? I never even touched you!

Starfire: Liar! You touched me inapporiately and had your free-slave friend try to assualt me sexually.

Herald: Okay, now she's just making things up.

(Robin/Cameron runs over to Starfire)

Robin/Cameron: What did you do to her?

Speedy: She just collapsed when I told her blacks have as much right to the sidewalk as whites.

(Robin collapses to the ground)

Robin/Cameron: The black guy tried to rape me and girlfriend for the amusemant of his abolinationist friend!

Speedy: Herald.

(Herald blows horn and sucks the two out of their way)

Speedy: Good one.

Herald: Can we just go on before someone else starts calling us rapists.

(Robin's porch step)

Robin/Cameron: How can I stop these blacks from ruining America? (looks and see Timmy, Teether and Melvin playing as ghosts while chasing Beastboy around)

Raven: Run Beastboy. Don't let Melvin the Ghost catch you.

Beastboy: Ha fat chance! I'm as fast as a cheetah. (Morphs into Cheetah)

Melvin: Bobby grab him.

(The invisible hand of Bobby grabs BB)

BB: Hey what the heck?

Raven: I should have mentioned Bobby I guess.

BB: Yeah you probably should. Could he let me down now. (BB drops to the ground with a thud and everyone laughs)

Cameron/Robin: That completely innocent children's game has given me the greastest idea ever! I shall get a band of my friends together and we shall dress up as ghosts and scare the Black people! YEAH! (Robin looks to GR) Rage, this idea is retarded.

GR: DW Griffith thought up the damn scenario of the creation of the KKK alright. Of course it's retarded!

Robin: Whatever part you have planned for the 80's movie parodies this better be worth it.

(Small farmhouse, Herald just going about his day as usual by fetching water from the well. Suddenly Robin dressed as Klu Klux-style Red X and the Bill Numerouses dressed as KKK members ride in on horseback)

KKK Robin: Alright, we're gonna ask you to stop voting and gaining equal rights. Or we'll come here and scare you!

(Herald looks at them emotionlessly)

Herald: You're joking right?

KKK Robin: No. In fact we're scaring you right now. BOO!

Herald: You guys are lame. (Walks away)

KKK Billy: The south shall rise again! (Throws fire bomb at barn)

Herald: HEY! What the hell?

KKK Robin: Scared yet?

Herald: No I'm pissed off! What the hell was that for?

(Billy jumps down off a horse and grabs Herald by the neck and drags him along the ground and drops him)

Herald: WHAT THE #$! OW WHAT THE...! Cough Are you crazy?

(Billy takes a baseballl bat and starts beating Herald up)

Herald: JESUS! ARGH! OH MY GOD WHAT THE HELL! OW! SON OF A...!

(Billy stops)

KKK Robin: Did we scare you?

(Herald gets off ground and brushes dirt off)

Herald: You tried to kill me you assholes!

KKK Robin: No we were scaring you.

Herald: That's it, I'm calling the police.

KKK Robin: We didn't do anything wrong.

Herald: You tresspassed on my land, burned down my barn, beat me with a stick and... What the hell is he doing?

(KKK Billys busy planting a cross)

KKK Robin: They're just planting a calling card for everyone to see.

(Billys light cross on fire and start dancing around it like a may pole)

KKK Robin: So you scared yet?

Herald: You people are retarded.

(Meanwhile on the porch outside of BB and Raven's newly bought house after being freed from Slaverly, BB and Rae are sitting on the steps)

Raven: Well Timmy and Teether have gotten to bed and Melvin's getting ready. And I finally washed off that fake tan makeup.

GR: HEY!

Raven: I'm not wearing it again okay? (Angry look on face)

GR: You got it sister. (Backs off)

BB: Those kids sure are cute. Do they even know they're in a movie?

Raven: I want it to be a surprise. They're gonna freak when they see themselves after the film ends.

BB: Hey are we still rolling?

GR: Ah no, we need to fix the camera give me a second.

Raven: Why is it broken?

GR: I spilt coffee on it, just give me a second to fix it.

Raven: (Rolls eyes and looks over at BB) So, what do you wanna talk about?

BB: Well for one, how again did you convince Rage to have the kids appear in the film.

Raven: I didn't, he said they were only ones who could fit the part of the children who inspire the KKK.

BB: I still say that inspiration is stupid.

Raven: Everyone does.

BB: You know I never noticed how good you look in the moonlight.

Raven: Well that's because we don't see each other at... Beastboy, did you just say I looked good?

BB: Um yeah I guess I did.

Raven: (leans over) So does that mean you think I look pretty?

BB: (Leans closer) Maybe a little, I guess. But why would someone think opposite?

Raven: I guess I just never thought of myself that way.

BB: Well I think you look...

(Torch light ruins moment)

KKK Billy: Inter-Racial Couple! It's lynching time boys!

(KKK Billys grab BB and drag him away)

BB: What the hell is going on? We're not filming yet!

Raven: This isn't in the script! They're doing this on their own! Rage! Tell them to stop!

GR: (Holding up video camera) Hell no! This is too good! It will fill up the plot development for the parody nicely.

Raven: But I just washed the tan off! I'm still starring as a black right?

GR: Nope, you're now cast as the inter-racial wife.

Raven: But we're not even a couple!

BB: (Being Dragged further away) RAE! Can you just stop the crazy white supremiscists from killing me!

Raven: Azarath Met-

GR: Hold it right there missy. I allowed Herald to use his horn but dark magic is where I draw the line. Save him yourself or watch him hang.

(BB loaded onto horse and rides away)

Raven: Fine. Hang on Beastboy, I'll save you. (Runs after horse) Rage, when I get him back you better hope he's okay.

GR: She's always threating me.

(Congress, now made up of blacks and whites)

Chairman Cyborg: People, we have just heard that a young coloured man is going to executed publicly in front of everyone in the south. We must stop this horrible act.

Val-Yor: I object! Lynching is nessecary in order to keep lawless black people in line. We can't have gangs of free blacks running around marrying white people. We need fast and unfair trials that give death penalties for every crime.

See-More: Oh will you shut up you racist prick.

Val-Yor: No way #$er!

(Everyone gasps. 50 cent comes through door and shoots Val-Yor repeatedly and then leaves)

Chairman Cyborg: You see, now that kinda behaviour is unacceptable.

Bumblebee: The racial slurs or the murder.

Chairman Cyborg: Both! Alright everyone lets head on over and stop this illegal act of murder.

GR: You're suppose to say something about crushing the white south with the heel of the black north, but since that line is gay I'll let it slide.

(Lynching tree where BB awaits exectution)

KKK Robin: Wait a second guys this wasn't in the script.

Billy: Who cares it's fun!

KKK Robin: I don't think it's fun.

GR: Will you bloody well get into character!

KKK Robin: Fine, (Clears throat) We shall now hang the coloured person for the crime of marrying someone not of his race.

BB: (Led up to hanging position) Um this whole set up is fake right? (Noose put around neck)

Billy: (Put hand on trap door switch) The south shall rise- (Shot through the head)

(Everyone looks up to see Raven on a roof top brandishing a rifle)

Raven: How about the South stays down!

Billy: You think you can take the entire force of KKK Numerous?

Raven: No, but I know someone who can.

(Melvin steps to Raven's side)

Melvin: You're all a bunch of meanies! Bobby get'em!

(Bobby materializes out of thin air and drops down on top of KKK members who he proceeds to maul)

Billy 106: This ain't good Billy!

Billy 312: You said it Billy!

(Raven floats down and releases BB)

BB: Bobby knows this is just a movie right?

Raven: (Looks around nervously) Uh, sure yeah.

(Black Union troops arrive)

Cyborg: (Adresses KKK) By the order of President Ulysees S. Grant your little Ghost club has been banned as a terrorist organization.

Herald: Which means we can start shooting you if you get out of line.

(Robin takes off KKK Red X hood)

Robin: Hey didn't the original movie end with the KKK winning and taking back the south and stuff?

GR: Screw that bull crap! This movie was a joke and it still bloody well is!

Cyborg: Which was why it was way too easy to parody.

See-More: Yeah I hope we get a harder film next time.

(Over with Raven, the kids, Bobby and BB)

BB: You didn't tell me Bobby was a giant Teddy bear.

Raven: What did you think he was?

BB: I figured he was Bobby the Bunny or something. Anyway thanks for the save back there Bobby.

(Bobby smiles)

Melvin: Bobby says it's no problem. He'd do anything for a friend of Raven's.

(BB smiles)

Raven: So what were you going to say before Billy's band of white robed loonies interrupted us?

BB: Well, nothing I was just gonna say that you looked (Glups) Beautiful.

(Raven is taken a back by this and blushes. Then she smiles and kisses BB on the cheek.)

Raven: Thanks

(Beastboy faints)

GR: Will you two pack up we need to get back to the studio and get to work on the next parody.

(Ghost comes from out of the ground)

Spirit of DW Griffith: I am the Spirit of DW Griffith! You have runied my masterpiece and now must face my unrequited wrath.

GR: Herald take care of the racist undead loser in front of me.

(Herald blows horn and sucks the gohst into another diemension)

GR: You know I always found your powers cool.

Herald: It's all in the horn.

GR: It still rocks. Not like Red Star's though, but still.

Robin: So how do we end this chapter?

GR: Black Power!

Cyborg: That works.

More Craptacular political crap when we return!


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3: How many Bullets does it take to Kill the US President?**

Starring:

Robin as DA Garrison who shall be called Grayson here because the name sounds alike.

Starfire as Garrison's moppy and emotional wife

The Titans as the New Orleans Detectives

Speedy as Lee Harvey Oswald

with special guest appearance by

The Question as Mr. X

and

Several Random Conspiracy Nuts

"Oliver Stone sucks!" Rage shouted with glee

"How'd you get the Question over here?" Raven asked

"I told him I had the connection between the boy scouts, Hitler, a Cat named Bob and Ed Wood." Rage explained

This earned him a critical look from Raven

"You don't have anything do you?" She asked

"Not a thing." Rage acknowledged

"So are we just suppose to talk about the JFK assasination for the next couple of hours." Beastboy asked

"Yeah," Rage told him "but don't worry Beastboy. Conspiracy theories are all just random disperate facts pieced together with paranoia and fear."

"So it should be easy for you to manage without your head exploding from all the politics." Raven said hoping to ease his worries, instead it only ticked off Beastboy.

"Hey," he arggued "I can be political and stuff."

Robin just then rudely interjected

"So you gave me the lead role again." He said looking at the casting script

"Yes," General Rage nodded "I thought Garrison's personality fit you. Paranoid and obssesed with catching bad guys who aren't there."

"When have I ever done..." Robin suddenly remembered the "Haunted" incident "Okay, got me there. But still just one time!"

"Well I can always get someone else." Rage admited

Robin threw up his hands in protest

"No wait," he said "I can do it. Just try not to me make look stupid."

"I'm technically not making you look stupid," Rage explained "I'm making the guy's whose character your based on look stupid."

Beastboy was able at this point to gain Rage's attention once more

"Seriously," he said "I can do a speech on the ethical reasons to eat Tofu."

"Still won't change people's minds." Rage said shooting down the Green Teen's hopes

"Well if he wants to try theres no stopping him." Raven explained before turning to Beastboy "In fact Beastboy, I wish the best of luck in making a good speech."

BB went wide eyed at this with delight

"Really?" he said rather surprised before becoming extremely gitty "Thanks Rae you have no idea what that means to me! I'm gonna start thinking up about something to write right now!"

"After the movie Green man." Rage said before he could run off "Alright people places!"

* * *

Note: We could talk about JFK's history, but we won't. Read a book people.

(Opening Kitten is thrown out the back of a car and brought to hospital)

Kitten: They're gonna kill Kennedy!

Doctor: How'd you find this out?

Kitten: I was popping pills in the bath stall and when I got outside this bird told me.

Doctor: What about the car?

Kitten: I was in an ecstasy binge, I needed hot drenchy...

Doctor: Please stop.

(DA Grayson's office in New Orleans, in bursts Mas Y Menos)

Mas Y Menos: Senor, Grayson! Senor, Grayson! El Presidente es ce Mourte!

Grayson: Huh?

Mas Y Menos: El President es ce Mourte!

Grayson: Can someone please translate!

GR: Pantha! Need Translation please!

Pantha: They said the President is dead.

Grayson: Oh, how?

Pantha: Just turn on the TV.

(Grayson turns on the TV)

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, the president is dead. He was killed while riding in his car and was shot. I should be crying but the botox injections have tapped out my tear ducts so I can't show emotion. The man who shot the president has been identified as Oswald Lee Harvey, also known as Speedy in the script.

(Speedy being led down hall of reporter)

OLH Speedy: I was framed I tell ya!

Reporter: By who?

OLH Speedy: I don't know, I just didn't do it.

Killer Moth: Oswald!

OLH Speedy: Huh?

Killer Moth: I got you pie.

OLH Speedy: Oh, thanks.

Killer Moth: And I got you this! (Pulls out singing telegram) Thank you, thank you, for killing the president, cause now I can plan to carry out your death. Signed from me! DIE MOTHER F#KER! (Pulls our gun and shoots Oswald)

Grayson: Damn that ain't right! I am Immediately suspicious of someone trying to kill Oswald considering he just killed the president.

Pantha: Does this mean that all our vacation plans for Mardi Gras are cancelled?

Grayson: Yes.

Mas Y Menos: Oie caramba.

(Big Meeting table)

Grayson: Okay everyone, I've called you all to this big meeting table in my office to discuss how we are going to go about invesitigating the murder of the president.

Cyborg: Uh, isn't the case closed because the guy who did it is dead?

Grayson: No, its too easy. Too convinent. Too simple. There has to be something bigger a foot.

Raven: Sometimes the easiest answers are the right answers.

Grayson: What the hell does that mean?

Raven: It means you're trying to find a way to comfort yourself by proving that the president couldn't be killed by one person.

Grayson: You mean a conspiracy! Thats it! Good work Raven, even though Garrison had no woman on his team and you're just here to make things acceptable for 1990's audiences, you're still helpful.

Raven: (Raven looks to BB) Did I just make things worse?

BB: Uh, I think ya did.

(Couple hours later)

Grayson: Me and Cyborg checked out that lead about Gizmo knowing Oswald Speedy. Turns out he was in league with a private investigator who had extreme anti-communist opnions. His partner told us that they were planning a second bay of pigs called Operation: Mongoose.

BB: How did the partner of the investigator know the secret codename?

Grayson: I don't know, he stumbled upon it and he and the investigator had a fight in the office when he found out about it. Or they had a disagreement on phone bills, don't remember. Anyway this proves that Oswald handing out communist flyers was a front.

BB: Can anyone prove that Oswald was connected to these guys?

Grayson: Well the investigator's partner but he refuses to testify.

Raven: Thats convenient.

Grayson: I know, a little too conveinent. I did find a couple of people who could collaborate it though.

Cyborg: Unfortunately none of them are credible.

Grayson: Also there was something about Oswald I found out, he was in Russia a few years ago and at the same time a spy plane was shot down. I think Oswald sold information to the Russians to disrupt the peace talks between America and Russia.

Cyborg: Wait a sec, isn't that a contradiction?

BB: Yeah, if he sold stuff to the Russians but joined up with a bunch anti-commies, isn't that a little confusing?

Grayson: He did it because the government told him to.

Raven: Can you prove that?

Grayson: No, but it adds to the film's dramatic sequencing. Anyone wanna quit? (Everyone raises hands) Oh shut up.

(Later at Dealey Plaza, BB and Grayson in the Book Depository)

Grayson: So BB see anything wierd?

BB: No.

Grayson: Look here why didn't Oswald shoot JFK when he was coming up the road here.

BB: Maybe he was worried about being shot at by the Secret Police?

Grayson: No it makes no sense. Look down at the street where Kennedy got shot at. It's near that **_GRASSY KNOLL_**.

BB: Dude what was that?

Grayson: What?

BB: There was this big booming sound and then a big super dramatic music score when you said **_GRASSY KNOLL_**. (Surprised) See it did it again!

Grayson: Don't be silly. Anyway, it's stupid to shoot a target when it runs away from you.

BB: Actually it's pretty easy when it's back is turned.

Grayson: Even when it's moving at this angle?

BB: Dude I do it all the time in my shooter video games in the sniper missions. It's definetly easy to kill someone with a rifle when their back is turned.

Grayson: No, the reason Kennedy was shot on this street by that **_GRASSY KNOLL_** was because it was the perfect ambush position.

BB: Dude it happened again!

Grayson: What?

BB: When you said that word!

Grayson: What word?

BB: **_GRASSY KNOLL_**! Dude it happened again!

Grayson: Focus on the ambush point for now Beastboy. Look at all the foliage in the way its impossible to hit a target between here and the 88 yards below.

BB: Actually I can see the place where Kennedy was shot pretty clear.

Grayson: Oh come on! Think about the bushes! They're closer!

BB: Wouldn't it be easier to just have one shooter up here away from the crowd instead of a lot near it? I mean it increases the chance of the discovery.

Grayson: That's why they are so clever!

BB: Who are they?

Grayson: Let's look at that weapon Oswald used.

BB: The rifle?

Grayson: Yeah, it needs to be cocked every time its fired. How could Oswald have gotten all those shots off in five seconds?

BB: Didn't he have marine training?

Grayson: Well yeah but its hard even for them.

(BB times himself as he fires and cocks the weapon, Hold up watch)

BB: Hey, 3.5 seconds! Maybe I should go into the marines!

Grayson: (Looks at him angirly) Can we just go over the eyewitness testimony.

BB: Well there was that one guy who talked about the hobos.

Grayson: Of course the hobos! They must of been the shooters of the **_GRASSY KNOLL_** in disguise!

BB: I'm getting sick of that effect.

Grayson: Do you have a picture of the hobos on the day?

BB: Yeah, right here. (Hands him picture)

Grayson: Look at those clothes, they look like bussiness men not tramps.

BB: Actually they look kinda like they've been sleeping on metal cans. They look funny.

Grayson: They look sinister.

BB: No they look funny.

Grayson: STOP QUESTIONING ME!

BB: Geez, I'm just trying to help.

Grayson: Just tell me how many people heard shots in the bushes of the **_GRASSY KNOLL_**.

BB: I'm going to ignore that this time. Anyway I kinda got contradictory evidence, seems like not many could make up there minds.

Grayson: Well just get the ones who said they heard shots in the bushes to testify and leave out the other ones.

BB: Isn't that fixing the evidence?

Grayson: No.

BB: Why isn't it?

Grayson: Because.

BB: Because why?

Grayson: Because I said so.

BB: But...

Grayson: JUST DO IT!

(Back at meeting room)

Grayson: So how did it go with finding out more about how Oswald was treated after he was arrested?

Raven: Well I found a record of the interrogation.

Grayson: Throw it out, that's not helpful.

Raven: Why isn't it helpful?

Grayson: Because interrogating someone looks like the cops hadn't decided he was guilty yet. Plus they're from the Warren Commission. Can't be trusted.

Raven: I spent 10 hours of my time getting them for you.

Grayson: Good, I need everyone to spend all their free time on this. How about you Cyborg?

Cyborg: Well they didn't do a test on the rifle to see if it had been fired...

Grayson: HA! They didn't even prove their weapon was the actual tool in the murder! They must not have wanted to get evidence that the rifle wasn't even fired. Meaning Oswald was innocent!

Cyborg: Actually, they didn't do the test because the test doesn't exist yet.

Grayson: Oh, darn.

BB: There was a witness who couldn't identify Oswald as the shooter.

Grayson: A HA! See they couldn't even get the guy who saw the shooter to identify Oswald!

BB: But he just couldn't figure out at first who it was from the lineup because he didn't see him well enough. Later he picked Oswald.

Grayson: Come on people work with me here! Are you even trying! I'm working all day and night to find out this conspiracy and all you do is find evidence that doesn't support it! Stop making everything sound so simple! Get complicated and messy and over elaborate! Control Feak how did finding those bugs go?

CF: For the last time you're paranoid! There are no bugs! I looked from top to bottom even in the ladies room. Will you please take off that tin foil hat now?

Grayson: No! You didn't look hard enough! None of you did!

BB: We are trying dude! But you keep shouting down any contradicting evidence.

Cyborg: Yeah man, can't you just let it go?

Grayson: You're all idiots! Think like the spooks! We're through the looking glass here people! Black is white and white is black. Dogs chase mice and Cats chase dogs. Bunnies wear waistcoats and mushrooms...

GR: No Wonderland References until we get to the Matrix pal.

Grayson: Fine. I'm going home. When we resume tommorow and I demand that you all wear tin foil hats. (Walks out)

Cyborg: He's lost it.

Raven: Just roll with it. At least we're getting paid. (Looks at BB writng furiously) Beastboy what are doing?

BB: Coming up with good titles for my speech. Which one is better, 'Tofu: Food of the Gods' or 'You can have Meat without the Murder'?

Raven: Perhaps you should pick a different topic all together.

BB: Why?

CF: Because Tofu is boring!

BB: At least I won't grow up fat, blubber boy!

CF: Shut up!

(Grayson residence)

Starfire: Friend Grayson, you never come to join us at the feast known as dinner. Why is it that you stay in your room?

Grayson: Work, busy, can't eat.

Starfire: You're always busy, you never have time for your friends. You never have time for me.

Grayson: Relax, this entire sub-plot never happened, its just something Ollie Stone put in so he could make the protagonist somehow more identifiable to the average joe.

Starfire: Oh, alright then (leaves)

(Phone rings)

Grayson: Hello?

Gizmo: You crud snuffer moron! You named me as a suspect! You realize what you did?

Grayson: You feel that the conspiracy will hunt you down because you're liability?

Gizmo: No! You ruined my good name! You're gonna get it now! Me and my lawyer are coming over to reach a settlement or we'll sue you.

Grayson: So you're not going to give us a huge dramatic monologue in the form of a confession and then die at the hands of conspirators the next day?

Gizmo: No! And even if I did die, the real Garrison never questioned Ferrie died of a drug overdose and Ferrie also never confessed! Stone added that to prove his thesis for the original cruddy movie! See you tommorow ass wipe! (Hangs up)

Grayson: Wow, so much for that scene. Say Rage do we still get to do that whole revelation that both Kennedy murders are connected?

GR: No, Garrison never connected the two, in fact JFK's brother was trying to halt the investigation. Stone added that in for more idiotic conspiracy junk.

Grayson: You do realise you've just killed two real great scenes from the movie.

GR: Great perhaps. But Great doesn't transfer to truth.

(Aqualad Residence)

Grayson: Hello Aqualad, I'm doing an investigation on the Kennedy assasination. I'd like to ask you some questions. First one, are you gay?

Aqualad: What does that have to do with anything?

Grayson: Just answer the question are you gay?

Raven: You really shouldn't try and pry into people's private lives.

Grayson: I'm trying to get actual results here Raven. Try and learn something.

(Raven goes into four eyes mode and stomps off)

Aqualad: Listen I don't have to answer that question if I don't want to.

Grayson: Are you gay and do you have connections to an anti-communist group that employed Lee Harvey Oswald/Speedy and were you two lovers?

Aqualad: Alright that does it. Get off my property now or I'll sick the dogs on you.

Grayson: Are your dogs gay?

Aqualad: GO AWAY!

(Later in DC)

Grayson: I've almost connected all the dots, I just need someone to give me a motive.

(Question appears)

Mr. Q: I can do that. I'm Mr. Q, and I can tell you this. You're close. You're closer than you think. However you must realise that the character I'm based off from the original film doesn't really exist and this entire scene never happened. In fact Mr. X was based off a real conspiracy theorist who never met Garrison before the trial he put on and most of his conspiracies are crap. Anyway Grayson, the head runners of this conspiracy are obvious. Do you know anything about black ops?

Grayson: Aren't they like special forces?

Mr. Q: Yes and the assasination of the President is exactly the type of work the CIA trainned them for. You see the heads of the conpiracy were the Pentagon, the CIA and top White House officials. LBJ was one of those officials. Why kill the president? To start a war with Vietnam. JFK was trying to pull out all the troops. I mean his first pull out of troops was rather small and insignificant in terms of how many people there were and it in no way proves that's he was trying to pull out of Nam completely, but still.

Grayson: I instantly believe everything coming out of your mouth even though you have no evidence and this encounter never happened. But how do I bring the conspirators to justice?

Mr. Q: Just arrest the gay guy and everything will fall into place.

(Later at the courthouse)

(Grayson and his team on one side, Aqualad and his lawyer Hotspot on the other)

Grayson: Ladies and gentlemen, the defendant is gay. This alone is enough to convict him.

Aqualad: HEY!

Grayson: But he was involved in huge conspiracy to kill JFK. It involved the Pentagon, the CIA, White House Officials, anti-Castro Cubans, all three armed services, big bussiness even the Dallas Constabulary! And I will prove it.

Hotspot: Objection! Your honor, this entire trial is a joke! The DA is only prosecuting my client because he is gay, that and he is a paranoid nutcase.

Aqualad: I'm not gay!

Judge Blood: Objection over-ruled I wanna see where this goes.

Hotspot: But your honor he's practically blaming everyone killed JFK! This might as well be a trial about who _didn't_ kill JFK.

Judge Blood: I just wanna see where it goes alright.

(Grayson puts on Zapruder film)

Grayson: This grainy and blured film clearly shows the president's head going back and to the left, (Rewinds clip over and over) back and to the left, back and to the left, back and to the left, back and to the left, back and to the left, back and to the left, back and to the left, back and to the left, back and to the...

Judge Blood: We get it already! Stop showing us the clip geez.

Grayson: Also, many people believe that Oswald shot a police officer after shooting the president. But no one can confirm that. Also Oswald was caught by dozens of police officers in a theater simply because he didn't pay a ticket.

Police man: Actually we had evidence he was the one who killed the officer. Thats why we had so many officers there.

Grayson: Hey don't interupt me. There were people who saw scary looking carptners working up in the book depository. While hitman dressed as hobos were setting up in the **_GRASSY KNOLL_**.

BB: I told you, they weren't hitmen! Their identies aren't even a mystery anymore! They were all slum bucket slack jawed rail raiders!

Raven: And no body said anything about the carpenters being suspicious and scary. They were normal depository employees and they weren't even on the floor where the shots rang out.

Grayson: Well Oswald would have been spotted fleeing the scene by two girls going down the stairs.

CF: Nobody saw him because the girls had already left when Oswald was beginning his desent.

Grayson: Guys stop you're ruining my trial. There was also a man who had an epileptic siezure in Dealey Plaza but he never checked in at the hospital and vanished! He was actually a distraction!

Raven: His name was Jerry Belkap and he left when he felt better.

Grayson: Shut up! Anyway, lets look at the film in full. First shot rings out here and Kennedy looks around to see what's going on, second shot hits the pavement, third shot hits the president in the neck, fourth shot comes from the **_GRASSY KNOLL_** and hits the governor's hand, fifth shot hits the president's shoulder, the umbrella man down here signals to the men up in the book depository by third shot that he's not dead shoot again.

Umbrella Man: Hey buddy, I was that guy! Don't try and incriminate me in this. Besides how could some one see me from all the way up there! Wouldn't a sniper have a better idea if some one was alive?

Grayson: I'm trying to finish up here. Any way the next two shots come from the **_GRASSY KNOLL_**. One hits the car and the other hits the president's head causing it to go back and to the left, back and to the left, back and to the left, back and to the left, back and to the left, back and to the...

(Penn and Teller burst in)

Penn: Wait a second there buddy we have a little science experiment that will show you that a gun shooting from behind can make a person's head fall backwards. Teller set up this Honeydew. The one inch wide tape around the melon is the skull for our melon. Noble prize winning Psyhicist Louise W. Alvarezz, who was first to present this experiment, explains that a bullet penetrating a skull doesn't transfer much of it's energy to the skull. It's a tiny hole slides right in. The Brain doesn't present much resistance and when the bullet pops out the other side it pulls a lot of brain, or in this case melon goo, with it. The goo and bullet create a little jet blast that forces the head in the opposite direction.

(Teller shoots set up melon from behind and it falls backward off the pedastal)

Penn: Second gunman my aching ass!

Grayson: Oh yeah, well what about the single bullet causing all that damage. Or should I say magic bullet? You're little psyhics can't explain that. No way it can be done.

Cyborg: You obviously don't understand pyshics.

Grayson: Hey aren't you on my side?

Cyborg: Not anymore. Listen Connally wasn't seated seated directly in front of Kennedy, he was seated to his left-front! so the path was a lot straigther than you want to admit.

Grayson: I have witnesses who saw smoke in the bushes!

GR: Actually Ollie Stone added that with a smoke blower because no gun can smoke that much. At least no modern gun.

Grayson: But, but, but, uh, uh, **_GRASSY KNOLL, GRASSY KNOLL GRASSY KNOLL, GRASSY KNOLL, GRASSY KNOLL, GRASSY KNOLL, GRASSY KNOLL, GRASSY KNOLL, GRASSY KNOLL_**! And the defendant is gay.

Aqualad: SHUT UP!

Judge Blood: Well considering all the dramatic **_GRASSY KNOLLS_** and the fact that the guy is gay, I'm afraid I have to...

BB: STOP! I can't take this anymore!

Grayson: Huh?

BB: Listen to me everyone! This entire conspiracy trial is a joke! And not the funny kinda joke.

Raven: Beastboy what are you doing?

GR: This isn't in the script.

Eric Cartman: Damnit he's doing a gay little speech like Kyle does.

BB: People look, no one wants to think that in the flash of an eye some lone maniac with a gun can just pop up out of no where and kill one of the most powerful people on earth. No one wants to think that bad things can just happen. They always asume there's a system, a plan, a understanding, underlying thesis that we can use to make sense of the world. People want meaning and something they can use to make sense of their lives and the world. But we shouldn't go and make stuff up. What happened to JFK was horrible and a tragedy but we can't keep trying to put the blame on someone big and powerful just because we never got Oswald to trial.

Camera man: Should I shut it down sir?

GR: Wait a sec.

BB: Why are we doing this? Is it because we just can't learn to trust the first explanation? It's good to be skeptical. Heck, Raven is the most skeptical person I know and she has a cool head and she's very smart. But she doesn't go around screaming conspiracies at the top of her lungs. It's good to be skeptical of the government but we just can't asume that everything they say is lie! If we do stuff like that well we just turn into scared little paranoid tin foil wearing freaks who worry about every step they take and don't really do anything with their lives.

Camera Man: Sir should I shut the camera off?

GR: No let him finish.

BB: The reason we come up with these conspiracy theories though isn't because we want to expose someone, what we really want is to get a better explanation and a way cooler one. People want to believe in conspiracies! What makes a better story, lone nut kills the prez or evil conspiracy kills the prez? The latter sounds cooler, but cooler doesn't mean its true. Think about all these people who DA Grayson said were involved with the conspiracy, if the conspiracy really is so big and powerful than how come almost everyone is talking about it? How come not one of those people has made a slip of the tongue yet? Everyone feels that a great plot has to be the demise of a great man. We want to believe Kennedy died because he was becoming a problem for powerful people so we feel he died for a cause instead of the actions of a lone crazy nutbar. Its easy to believe in stuff like this because if one guy alone can kill a man like Kennedy than what hope does America possibly have? Finally if we all stopped making this kinda stuff up I think we'd all trust each other a lot more than we do now. So please Mr. Judge sir, don't find the this guy guilty just because some paranoid DA is trying to scare you into thinking there's a plot to kill anyone who disobeys the government, because that's exactly what a real conspiracy tries to do. Spread fear. Like those terrorists and fascist governments from the 30's. We can't give into fear, especially not when it's based on paranoia.

(Raven starts clapping and soon everyone in the court room joins in.)

GR: The Judge was suppose to find him innocent anyway, but I guess this works too.

Raven: Great speech Beastboy.

Cyborg: I have to admit. You actually made sense for once.

BB: I just came up with it on the fly.

Raven: Told you another topic would be better.

CF: Did anyone see where Robin went?

Cyborg: Script says he's suppose stay and walk out with his children. Even though the real Garrison was in his office when the verdict was read. Than he went crazy and stuff.

Starfire: Friend Robin said something about finding the files of murder.

GR: He means those JFK investigation files that have been open to the public for years now. Nobody ever looks at them though.

BB: Say where did you get all this information from anyway.

GR: The Kennedy Assasination Homepage. Very good site for people who watched Ollie Stone's original crap fest and believe every word it said.

Starfire: Perhaps we should prepare for the next parody.

GR: Sure alien girl, next one is going to be less informative and more action packed.

Cyborg: It's a 1980's cold war paranoia film is it?

GR: Well yeah, but if you ignore the politics its a good film.

Cyborg: You're just gonna make fun of Patrick Swayze huh?

GR: Yes, is there problem?

Cyborg: No, no, just as long as I get to shoot my sonic cannon I'm fine.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4: The Anti-Communist Resistance Club

Today's Parody pokes fun at RED DAWN, a cold war paranoia film about commies invading american soil. We'd like to make this note, GR likes the movie but only because it doesn't get too stepped in politics. However, because it's basically a very campy propaganda film from the Regan Era and the characters are prime for making fun of, let's just try and have fun for once okay? Also we'll stick in some 'Breakfast Club' references because we can.

Robin as the superficial self-appointed leader

Raven as one of the girls

Starfire as the other girl

Beastboy as The comic relief sidekick

Cyborg as the black kid who will die first

The Brain as the evil communist general

Slade as the evil Communist Colonel who likes to commit genocide and mass murder

Henchmen from both evil masterminds as well commie paratroopers duh!

"I DIE!" Cyborg shouted in a enraged voice

"It's called war my Friend." Rage explained

"This isn't fair," Cyborg further protested "the black guy always dies!"

"Oh relax," General Rage further tried to explain "this is gonna be fun trust me. You'll get to blow entire columns of APCs with a sonic blast! Doesn't it sound cool?"

"Fine," Cyborg said crossing his arms "but I better not die."

"I don't feel comfortable with getting the lead role again." Robin said looking at General Rage "That's always the one that gets made fun of the most."

"We're not making fun of individuals this time," Rage told him "we're making crack against 1980's communist paranoia...and Reganomics!"

"I totally missed out on that period," Beastboy said with glee "it was perfect for my kind of humour."

"I highly doubt any period in history was perfect for your type of humour." Raven argued

Rage now began to lay out the plan for the film

"Now there are gonna be other freedom fighters joining you when we get the film started." General Rage began "However most of the talking will done between you guys anyway, they're just cannon fodder like that kid with the glasses was in the original film. Don't get too attached. Now you all get your choice of weapons. Do you want an AK-47 or M16? Choose wisely because I don't have enough money to switch it if you change your minds."

"Just give me a machine gun and I'll be fine." Beastboy told him

"You'll have to kill a henchman for one." Rage replied "I gave them all the last ones."

"Aw man." Beastboy whinned "Why don't we have the cool weapons?"

"You're the overpowered and outmatched resistance fighters," Rage answered "it works this way!"

* * *

(Opening on Middle-American school classroom) 

Narrator: Five kids, all different, they didn't really know each other but by the end of the year their lives would be changed forever. Mostly because all their friends and family members died! Anyway...

(Bro. Blood giving lecture)

Bro Blood: Can anyone tell me why we learn math? (Students look at him slackjawed and bored) I don't know either. Beside this is history class. So Genghis Khan was this crazy barbarian who invaded other nations to sack and pillage andn gorge him and his army. This is dramatic foreshadowing for what will happen in the next two seconds. Oh look out the window class paratroopers are landing on the football field. I'm going to walk up to them and ask what's going on, stay in your seats and read chapters 2 to 147 by the time I return. (Leaves classroom)

Cyborg: Let's go look at the window.

(Everyone rushes to the window, Bro. Blood approaches paratrooper)

Bro. Blood: Excuse me my good man totting the dangerous fire arm, what are doing here?

Paratrooper: AH! Oh my god! Look out! An unarmed civilian! (Fires weapon and kills Bro. Blood, kids look on from windows)

Students: YAAHHH!

Robin: We should welcome our liberators with open arms! (Paratroopers start firing on the windows and students duck) Unless they do that. Everyone run to my truck!

(The Titans all escape in a truck to a Drug Store at the outskirts of town)

Robin: Okay we're going to have to escape into the woods if we wish to survive this whole big war. Quick everyone grab those guns in the drug store.

BB: Wait a second! Why are there guns in a drug store?

Robin: It's Middle-America.

BB: I'll settle for that answer.

(Cyborg comes on screen)

Cyborg: Hey the farmers over there have just aske dus to help their Grand Daughters escape into the mountains with us.

Robin: Are they hot?

Cyborg: Yeah, I guess.

Robin: Then bring'em along, the more the merrier!

(Raven and Starfire come on screen)

Starfire: Friends it is most joyful to see you all undamaged.

Raven: Yeah whatever.

Cyborg: So why did we get our asses kicked by those soldiers back there? How'd they even invade us? I thought Reaganomics was suppose to increase our national security?

BB: It does, but only if you live in space with the imaginary laser cannons.

(Raven Smirks)

Raven: An actual funny joke, thought I'd never see the day. Still, you only made one.

BB: One laugh is all I need to get the ball rolling baby.

Raven: (Angrily) Can we go to the woods now?

Robin: Okay, hey look a helicopter! (Helicopter blows up soviet tank nearby) Awesome! We need one of those!

BB: Dude, you know how to fly it?

Robin: I was hoping Cyborg did?

Cyborg: Of course I don't know how to fly a chopper.

Robin: Well this sucks! This is the most sucky day ever.

(A month later in the mountains...)

Robin: Sweet, more dead deer.

BB: I think I need to puke (Goes off to bush)

Cyborg: Say how come we haven't run outta bullets yet?

Robin: I don't know, maybe we're just good shots with guns.

Cyborg: But we've been here fo a month, how much ammo did you take?

Robin: 30 cases.

Cyborg: How the heck did you get all that up here?

Robin: Well it wasn't the first time we got it. I went down the mountain and found it just lying beside the road next to a burned out truck. Didn't know where it came from.

Cyborg: It obviously fell off the burned out truck.

Robin: That a good theory. Question is there even a burned out truck on the side of the road in the first place?

Cyborg: Because there's a war going on.

Robin: Oh right. Well lets head on down to town.

(BB emerges from bush)

BB: Dude! It's occupied by crazy Russian nut jobs!

Cyborg: BB's right. We could get killed.

Robin: No we won't relax. Besides I want to make sure my mail boc isn't packed with letter and crap.

BB: You're risking all our lives for a mail box?

Robin: That and I need to find some really cool new shoes. These ones are all muddy.

Cyborg: We're dead.

(Down in town)

Robin: Wow look at all the red!

BB: That's because its occupied by Commies!

Cyborg: Can we go now?

Robin: Just let me try on some shoes. Ah finally, the line picked up.

Commie: Hello comrade, we have two kinds of standard issue shoe handouts for you. These are the military issued paratrooper boots and these are the common worker boots.

Robin: Cool, I'll take the paratrooper boots.

Commie: That will be $300.

Robin: That's crazy!

Commie: No, it called getting money from the unsuspecting populous so our leaders can buy wine and cheese and chicken dinners.

(Robin shoots commie and steals boots and runs off)

BB: Ah crap shoot!

(Sirens ring out)

Cyborg: RUN!

(BB and Cyborg make a break for it)

(Later outside the evil brainwashing camp)

Robin: Wow we finally got away from those guys.

Cyborg: Why the hell did you shoot the handout dude?

Robin: He was asking for it! He made me want to pay $300 for these Paratrooper boots! Look how cool they look I had to have them.

BB: You just could have grabbed them and run.

(Smelly old man runs up to brainwash camp's fence)

Old Man: Boys is that you?

BB: Who are you?

Old: It's me boys your dad!

Robin: Sorry, but every single one of us has no parents.

Cyborg: Yeah, it's a type of loss that gives us purpose and srength to fight bad guys.

Old Man: Oh, my bad sorry.

BB: Don't mention it.

(Boys walk away)

Old Man: could you do me a favour?

(Titans look back)

Titans: What?

Old Man: AVENGE ME! AVENGE ME!

BB: (Whispering to the others) I think he's crazy.

(Raven and Starfire sitting edge of a rocky hil till the boys get back)

Starfire: Are these woods not glourious friend Raven?

Raven: Sun is practically burning out my eye sockets. Why couldn't we just sit under a tree, I'm getting an enough of an over exposure to nature as it is.

Starfire: How can you deny yourself of the majestic beauty that is this forest? Beauty that is only magnified by our present height on this cliff.

Raven: Because this is just a environment for disgusting bugs and vicious animals to condragate. Making me irritable and more angry than ever.

Starfire: Truly it cannot be that bad?

Raven: Well I guess I get fresh air. Still, the guys better get back with something other than a new addition to Robin's wardrobe. (Raven's eyes widen) Something's coming.

Starfire: Is it Robin and our friends?

Raven: No, it's a car. Get down!

(Raven and Starfire hide under rocky ledge while a car full of Commie henchmen rolls up.)

Commie: You know after pillaging, raping, looting and murdering all day it's good to get some down time huh?

Commie 2: Da comrades. What a great view. Hey let's take pictures of each other.

Commie 3: Can we take pictures of ourselves naked?

Commie 2: No way, you ain't talking me into that this time around.

(Commies proceed to take pictures of each other in front of mountain scenery. Starfire peeks her head up to see if they left yet and the Commies notice her)

Commie: Look hot chicks!

Commie 3: Let's rape them!

Commie: Why?

Commie 2: It's in the Soviet Soldiers' handbook.

Commie: Oh right.

(Commie 3 grabs Starfire and drags her to the car, while Commie 2 tries to restrain Raven. Commie just looks on)

Commie: Remember I go next!

(Commie is hit by Sonic cannon blast)

Cyborg: BOO YAH!

Commie 2: Oh skittles! We've been found out! Run Comrades! (Drags Raven down hill, BB goes after him And tackles him to the ground and begins to punch his head open)

BB: Die you asshole! Die!

Raven: Beastboy he's dead already.

BB: Not dead enough!

(Continues punching Commie 2)

Commie: Hey comrades, give me hand with this sexy chick so we can rape her! (Starfire kicks him in the balls) OW MY BALLS! MY BEAUTIFUL RUSSIAN BALLS! (Starfire runs off while Commie 3 crawls to car and picks up radio to call HQ in high squeeky voice) Sirs, we have code orange, repeat code orange!

Radio Officer: You're balls are fractured! Hold on comrade we have men on the way, send us your location!

Commie 3: It's...(Shoot in the head by Robin)

Robin: Suck it bitch!

(BB still beating crap out of Commie 2, then proceeds to slather blood over face.)

BB: I am the Green Avenger! Killer of communist rapists! No one touches Rae on my watch!

Raven: I assure you Beastboy I'm flattered, but please get that blood off your face.

BB: Sorry, guess I just caught up in the moment. Still if the whole Star Wars Program failed to scare them wait till they get a load of me!

Raven: (Sarcastically) They won't know what hit them.

(Place where disadents get massacred)

Slade: Another day of mindless genocide. It makes my life worth the trouble.

(Executees start singing badly)

Dissadents: O BEeauTiful FOr SpaCIOUS SkieS Oh BLEss the ShinING SEas!

(Henchmen and Slade begin to hold ears)

Slade: DEAR GOD! THEY'RE TRY TO MURDER US WITH THEY"RE HORRIBLE SINGING! STOP THE MADDNESS! STOP THE MADDNESS!

(Machine gunners open up and kill dissenters)

Slade: I know this is a horrible an devil act that toltalitarian regimes employ to instill fear and hold onto power. But I think today we at least saved the world from aweful singing. Right Simon Cowell?

Simon: Correct. But you called that mass murder? That was dreadful. I didn't even feel the pain. They just gave up the ghost the second you fired the gun. Guns are so 70's, get original here. Use more slow enducing weapons to increase that. Even so it was rather a dull handling of an execution. You should have at least done it in public where everyone could see them or...

Slade: Guards take this man away.

(Henchmen grab Simon)

Simon: You call this a political arrest for someone speaking their opnion? I mean I heard the order but I was like, "so what?"

(Titan's campsite)

Robin: Guys, killing those Commies was so cool. It was like payback for how they've turned our lives upside down. That why I think we should start up a resistance movement and kick these Reds out of our town!

Cyborg: Are yo crazy we could be killed?

Robin: No I think that us young teenagers with nothing more than our wits and our gun savy knowledge can effectively screw with the Commies around this area. And when we win we can all have pizza! What do you say?

BB: Well do we even have a cool name?

Robin: Yes, I've called named ourselves after our school mascot. We'll call ourselves the Wolverines!

BB: Honey Badger would have been more aggressive. They go for the groin.

Raven: (Laughs a little, BB looks at her smug) Okay fine, two jokes.

When there's Commies invading you know who to Call.

WOLVERINES!

From their Mountain Hideout they can see it all.

WOLVERINES!

When There's Reds on the attack,

You can rest knowing they got your back,

Cause when America needs Freedom Fighter on Patrol...

WOLVERINES! GO!

With Their American Know how they unite.

WOLVERINES!

Never met a Communist that they liked.

WOLVERINES!

They got Ivan on the Run,

And they won't stop till the liberation of America is done!

Cause when the Liberals screw us and we lose all control...

WOLVERINES! GO!

1-2-3-4-5 GO!

Wolverines!

(Cool Montage of Convoys and battalions of communists getting blown to smitereens almost effortlessly by Titans, Robin stands over burnt out husk of APC brandishing a rifle)

Robin: WOLVERINES! Eat it Commies! ALL YOUR BASE ARE BELONG TO US

Cyborg: Use proper grammar moron!

(Starfire gets chased into field by sex crazed Commies and the Titans pop up out of trap doors in the ground and start shooting them up, Star grabs an M60 and blows the others away)

BB: Aw man! You got the cool machine gun! (Notices tank) Nevermind! (Runs over and hops in tank and drives away)

Raven: Does he even know where he's going?

Cyborg: He has no idea.

(Group of soldiers marching through the town square suddenly get run over by BB's Tank)

BB: Whoops! I guess the break is the other one. (Notices a Helicopter over head, Aims turret at chopper and fires, causing it to explode!) Why do Russians have those big red stars on their fuel tanks? It's just retarded.

(Raven plants a bomb in a Soviet-Friendship propaganda center and leaves. Brain and Slade walk by)

The Brain: _You dissapoint me Slade. Time and time again, you and your men have failed to stop these pathetic children from screwing with us. Why do you suck so hard at stopping these insurgents?_

Slade: Well at least I'm trying. All you do is bark orders to me and they don't do anything but just derive from the plot.

The Brain:_ My only solice comes from the fact that our comrades behind our lines our safe from these Wolverines._

(Explosion destroys Propaganda Center behind them)

Slade: Would like to retract that statement?

The Brain: _GO TO HELL ASSHOLE._

(Back at brainwashing facility, Wolverines stage a darring raid that blows everything up, Commies are really pathetic and they die miseralby, we might as well just skip every other scene with them killing people because its basically the same thing. The Commies are sucky fighters.)

Movie on big drive in screen: Amerika sucks!

(BB smashes Movie projector and uses RPG to blow up all the Commie airplanes stationed nearby for some reason)

BB: Oh yeah! Who is your daddy? I'm your daddy!

Cyborg: Dude, how did he get a RPG?

BB: I find this stuff and I use it! At least it isn't like Reaganomics where you find money and lose it!

(Raven laughs harder this time and a nearby tank blows up, BB smiles)

Raven: Oh stop being funny! It's killing me!

BB: With the way that tank blew up I think you're killing commies.

Raven: (Begins to smirk but catches self) I swear to god, stop that!

(Titans sit around a rock base like the cast of Breakfast Club)

BB: So what's gonna happen to us? I mean I consider you guys my friends. You are my friends right?

Starfire: Yes friend Beastboy. But me and Robin have become more than friends.

Robin: Yes as the sexy leader I get to have the first Romance.

Cyborg: Don't worry BB, we'll always be friends. We'll always have this crappy war to remind us of the good times.

Raven: You mean sitting here, in the rocky desert, on the run from crazed communist anti-resistance fighter squads.

Robin: Yep those are the good times. Hey I have a question, how come BB has been killing more people than any of us throughout this movie?

Cyborg: Yeah man, I put in a lotta Sonic cannons when we hit the convoys in the montage but you killed more people than any of us combined.

Starfire: Is Friend Beastboy under pressure to prove himself?

Cyborg: BB doesn't understand pressure.

BB: I don't understand pressure? (Break down) F#$ you! F#$ YOU! (Sob, Sob, Sob) Do you know why...back on the day of Invasion I was given a detention slip? They found a gun in my locker.

Robin: Why did you have a gun in my locker?

BB: Teachers were always on my case, said if I didn't like Reaganomics for being so retarded why don't you come up with a better economic plan for the nation's budget. I tried to make a defence budget plan for the next year that actually made sense. But the calculations went over the budget line! OVER THE BUDGET LINE! (Sob, Sob, Sob)

Raven: You tried to do statistics?

BB: And I sucked so hard!

Cyborg: Listen everyone sucks at that type of class.

Robin: Yeah, it's almost as useless as math.

Raven: Its no reason to go and kill yourself over Beastboy. We're here for you, you know that. you can always talk to us.

BB: Well actually I had the gun in there for the preparation of going to Moscow and invading the Kremlin and killing everyone in there. Let me show ya. (Unfurls blue prints he has) You see the fire bomb goes off by the furnace here flushing everyone down the hall and into this snake pit I dug overnight, than I just go around chucking grenades in the rooms and shooting passersby with an AK-47 I would have stolen off a dead guard. Now of course everyone would have gone for the doors but I locked them ahead of time.

(Everyone looks at BB like he's crazy)

Robin: Why didn't you think about using the gun on the school.

BB: Cause than people would think I'm a whiny preachy loser. Is that how I want to remembered? Geez!

Raven: Why you obvious gun-ho aspirations of American bravado winning over Russian Tyranny are unrealistic I must admit it's very detailed plan. And the muscular sketch of you drawn here is extra sexy.

BB: What was that last part?

Raven: (Nervously) Uh, nothing!

(Chopper flies over head and shoots up Starfire)

Cyborg: Well at least I didn't die first.

Robin: NO! (Goes crazy and destroys chopper with a explosive disk, then he holds Starfire in his arms) NO! This can't be happening! NO!

Starfire: Friend Robin, do not fear. It is only the red colouring of food made to look like the blood of a human. I am undamaged

(Robin drops Starfire)

Robin: Cyborg, You and me are going into town to kill every last commie! BB and Raven head to the border between us and our USA lines! We shall avenge you Starfire! (Robin runs off and pulls Cyborg with him)

Cyborg: Great now I'm gonna die.

(BB and Rae left alone)

Raven: What the hell just happened?

BB: An idiotic plot twist I think.

Starfire: Does no one care that I am truly not dead?

Raven: I'm beginng to think Robin takes these roles too seriously.

(Slade in his Room with The Brain nearby)

Slade: Now to compose this letter to my wife in an attempt to make me more sympathtic and this movie seem less baised.

The Brain: _It is a shame Comrade Slade, that this film was brought down by it's over the top anti-Communism drivel. If they had just tonned it down little they could have had a box office hit. This movie was in truth well acted._

Slade: Yeah whatever. So how many dissadents do we kill tommorow?

The Brain: _I feel in the mood for several thousand._

(Explosion hits guard tower outside and sonic booms and explosive disk and gun fire destroy countless pathetic communists as they run for cover. The Brain steps out of his house and dies when he takes a bullet to his, well, brain. Slade Mortally wounds Cyborg as he wipes out the last Communist Guards. He looks around for Robin who appears behind him with the advantage of surprise.)

Robin: Das Verdanya Comrade! (Slade quickly turns around and shoot Robin) OW! God why'd I do that before I fired! (Shoots Slade dead and drags Cyborg off to the swings) Don't worry Cy everything will be alright.

Cyborg: Dude relax, I'm not really gonna die.

Robin: We'll be in Heaven.

Cyborg: This is a movie remember?

Robin: I know Cy, I've always known.

Cyborg: Man what the hell?

(Lone commie Guard comes across note on ground, picks it up and reads)

BB's Note: Dear Invader: We know Reganomics sucks But you suck bigger. We don't need your stupid ideaology to tell us what to do no more than we need the US government to. We are our people. And we've discovered no matter who you are, everyone is a Goth, a A self appointed leader who takes himself too serious leader, a ditzzy confused Alien, a Black guy with robot parts and a funny man with an actually deeper character than most people would think. That may not make sense but at least we only listened to what we believed instead of following a single one idea like you.

Commie Guard: Pft, capitalists. (Walks off with "Don't you Forget about Me" Playing in the background)

(BB and Raven come across the US lines)

BB: We made it! My only regret is that I failed to kill any top ranking leaders of the Communist occupation.

Raven: Are you done acting all violent yet?

BB: Yeah, it doesn't really suit me. Sorry I made you laugh.

Raven: Don't be sorry. They were good jokes.

BB: Thanks, uh Rae...

Raven: Yes.

BB: I was...

GR: Okay, thats a rap.

BB: Dude you're ruining the moment!

GR: Sorry but I have more parodies to do and little time to do them in. Pack everything up, we gotta go.

Starfire: Can someone find friend Robin and inform him that I am alive?

GR: Nah we just bonked him on the head and dragged him back to the set. He wouldn't let Cyborg out of his arms until we did so.

Starfire: I must tend to his aid. (Floats off)

Cyborg: So what's the next set of Parodies?

GR: It's hard to say. Let's see, we did a left wing one, then a right wing one, than left wing one again, this one was right wing, so I guess we're back to left wing!

Cyborg: Gotta a film in mind?

GR: Oh yes, when Robin wakes up, tell him to wear this here Cowboy Hat.

Cyborg: You mean we're doing that film?

GR: No this one is a lot more juicy than that one. I'm surprised people like it so much, it's a total mess.

Cyborg: What's it called?

GR: Let's just say there are three rules, a school of Freedom and Indian Spirit quests.

Cyborg: Tom Laughlin isn't gonna sue us is he?

GR: Please my Cybernetic friend. Tom Laughlin is a pansy just like the character he played in the films.

Can the Titans Survive the 3 hour horror that is "The Trial Billy Jack"? Catch us later to find out. Use this time to get familar with the film. Find Trail of Billy Jack at in the T section of the library. Or for a longer more complicated review go to the link there connecting you to the review of the same film at Jabootu's Bad Movie Dimension! While at these sites, aquaint yourselves with B-Movie knowledge and laugh at the bad acting of all these wannabe movie stars.


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5: 3-Hour long Hippie Wet Dream**

Note to all, the General would like to inform all that while he acknowledges that Aqualad is not gay it still is funny to make fun of the pretty waterboy's appearance, voice and actions, that and he was a sucky sidekick to Aquaman. Also if anyone has a problem with me making fun of hippies well too bad. Punks and Goths are way cooler than they ever will be, that and they don't spend all they're time smoking weed. Also Tom Laughlin is a bad film maker. Period. Today's parody is the Trial of Billy Jack.

Robin as Billy Jack

Starfire as Jen (Billy's Girl)

Titans as the endless number of loser Hippies and Indian Stereotypes

Villians as everyone else, who are automatically evil because they don't agree with Billy Jack.

"Remember the rules," Rage pointed out "No drugs, Everyone carries their own weight and everyone gets turned on creating something. So does anyone have any questions?

"These hippies you speak of," Starfire began to ask "They wish to spread peace and love correct? What is wrong with this?

Rage looked at her with a stoic expression

"They're all pathetic drugged out losers who live in a pathetic fantasy land filled with gum drops and candy canes." He answered

"These Hippies live in this place. It sounds truly wonderful." Said the naive young alien

"No they don't actually live there," Rage said rubbing his head "I'm mocking their overly cute and simple little view on the world. A world in which all problems are solved with overly simplified answers that wouldn't work in the grand scheme of things. Look just play your part and you'll understand what I mean."

"I don't think I should be the lead role this time." Robin said expressing concern

"Why exactly?" Rage asked

"Well," Robin began "I'm really starting to get too attached to the acting, it's like I'm becoming the character I portray."

"You mean the last two films?" Responded Rage "Dude relax, stuff like that happens. You'll be okay. The Billy Jack series has too many 2D chracters and stupid plotlines that make no sense for you to possibly turn into a Billy Jack clone. And even if you do we can just bonk you on the head and return you to normal."

"So how long is this film again?" Beastboy asked

"3 hours." Rage responded

Beastboy's face turned long

"You're joking!"

"Nope, three hours" Said Rage once more

"Dude," Beastboy said with worry "I know movies and I know that anything that reaches 3 hours is going to be bad."

"Trust me," Vyborg stated "he knows what he's talking about.

"Of course the film is bad!" Rage acknowledged "But there are still some completely moronic people who have now knowledge of how the film creation process works to know its bad. That's why we're going to examine the entire film and all its inconsistances with this parody."

"I'm not wearing any hippie tye-dye shirts." Raven told Rage

"Relax," The General slash Director stated "you don't have to. Most of the Freedom school students just wear bland no logo shirts."

"Say Rae," Beastboy asked walking over to her "how come you aren't angry that we keep making fun of counter-culture throughout this series?"

"Because," Raven explained "like everything else in this world, counter-culture is pointless. It only serves to generate a new target market for big bussiness to sell to. The only way it could succeed is if a new kind of counter-culture came around where the people who started it are untalented or there is only one person who follows it."

"But I thought you were a Goth?" Beastboy questioned "You know, a non-conformist and junk."

"Exactly," Raven responded "I'm such a non-conformist that I haven't "conformed" to the counter-culture."

A nearby counter-culturist listened to what Raven had just said

"Damn," he expressed "I think I just got Goth Served."

"Okay everyone," General Rage said clapping his hands together "Let's get this parody started. Set up the courthouse guys. We're ready to roll."

* * *

(Opening Indians carrying caskets through desert)

Indian 1: Such a horrible tragedy.

Indian 2: 4 innocent lives lost.

Guy in Casket: I'm not dead.

Indian 1: I'm gonna miss them

Guy in Casket: I'm not dead!

Indian 2: Hey did you hear something?

Guy in Casket: I'm feeling better everyone let me out! It's dark an cold and I feel like I'm being compressed into a small place where I shall choke and die.

Indian 1: Weren't you shot?

Guy in Casket: Yes, but the bullet actually just went right through me and took out my appendix without killing me. Miraculously the thing was about to burst. If it weren't for that bullet I really would be dead.

Indian 1: Well this is somewhat ironic?

Indian 2: Not to mention extremely sad since now we only have three people dead. That isn't so much of a tragedy.

Indian1: Maybe we should make sure the other three are dead for sure.

Indian 2: Yeah and if they aren't passed on quite yet we'll beat them with sticks

(Both indians drop casket and run off)

Guy in Casket: Guys! Guys! Oh you godamn idiots! You forgot about me! (Sighs) Looks like I'll just have to pass the time till they come back. Let's think of words that ryhmme with Coffin. Offin', Boffin', Goffin', Spoffin'. I wonder if those words exist.

(Starfire in a hospital bed with a lot of machines stuck to her, Argent is the Reporter)

Argent: Mrs Starfire, has it ever happened before that so many rounds of ammunition were pumped into the school domitories with such ferocity in a short period of time?

Starfire: Your question is oddly overly specific. But I shall answer that this has happened many times before. Although within the State of Kent and other events there were no bullets fired into the school. I do know it was all the Government's fault because they had a conspiracy to murder eleven people that day. I feel this because I feel the goverment is evil and always will be and I am a paranoid nut. (Looks to Rage) I feel as though however that to make fun of this incident is wrong because people died.

GR: We don't need over exagerate things, trust me I'll explain what I mean when we get in further. Besides those freaks at Kent State weren't helping their situation when they looted nearby shops, burned down an ROTC building and chucked rocks at the police men. Sure the National Guard were wrong for killing 11 of them and it was a tragedy and it should never have escalated to that, but the students were hardly peaceful protestors. Their little arson show and robbery spree were premeditated acts, the shooting of guards who had their nerves get snapped were unpremeditated.

Starfire: I fear we shall get bad reviews for this.

GR: Screw them, I'll just delete the flamers who don't sign in. Anyway enough damn politics, make with the funny.

Starfire: Tell me friend Argent would you like for me to discuss how all of this came to be?

Argent: Cool, I'll be able to publish a book about it and make money off a tragedy. Alright start at the beginning.

Starfire: Four and a half years ago...

Argent: Four and a half?

Starfire: Yes, it is my friend Robin Jack was on trial for a crime of murder.

Argent: Is it really nessecary to go back that far?

Starfire: Do not fear, it shall make sense.

GR: Cough No it won't Cough

Starfire: Anyway, Four and a half years ago, in Earth years of course. My Friend Robin Jack was on Trial for the crime of murder in the 1st degree.

(Now begins the three hour flashback of peril...)

(Courtroom, four and a half years ago)

Judge Blood: According to the case file, you Robin Jack murdered a wealthy bussiness man's son and another guy after you found out they raped your girlfriend. Then in a stand off with police you shot another police officer in an attempt to kill him apparently.

(Robin looks over at Crippiled police officer staring at him angirly from his wheelchair)

Robin: Uh, sorry.

(Crippiled Police man mouths the words "F#$ You.")

Judge Blood: Care to explain yourself?

(Robin's Lawyer, Speedy addresses the court)

Speedy: Your honor my client is completely innocent of all the charges. Yes he confessed to kill those people but he did it because he is a special man, a man who tries to be good, who tries to be honest and non-violent. All my client wants is to be able to find his center.

Judge Blood: Did he kill someone or not? Make an opening arguement not a sermon!

Speedy: Yeah, he kinda did, but he isn't guilty of it.

(Prosecutor Gizmo stands up)

Gizmo: The defendant is a scum sucking barf brain who tried to and killed some guys, he's dead pan guilty. I might as well rest my cruddy case now, but I'll humour everyone and just run with this. I call Robin Jack to the stand.

(Robin on the stand)

Gizmo: Did you kill two people or not?

Robin: Yeah, I kinda did. I don't care really what you guys decide on doing.

Gizmo: You mean if we find your cruddy life guilty you don't care? You don't even care if we give you the freaking scumy death penalty?

Robin: Nah, I've come to realize he's my eternal companion, Death. We used to play ball as kids, he'd run around touching people with that magic finger of his. Poor saps didn't stand a chance. In High School me and Death were good buddies always getting into to trouble, I thought the fun would never end. Then one day Death had to leave. I was sad, I would have hugged him but then I would have died. I haven't seen him since he moved to another part of the underworld. I miss him. So if you find me guilty and sentence me to die I'll be happy.

Gizmo: What the crud did that have do with anything we're talking about here? You killed two people and tried to murder someone else barf brain!

Robin: I know, I'm wasting everyone's time by trying to sound all-knowing and stuff.

Gizmo: Your honor, I move that this cruddy case stop being so gay and just pronounce the scum bucket guilty.

Judge Blood: Motion denied, we need to fill up all three hours of this film with the mindless banter, we miss some of it and we'll have leftover tape. Speedy you may cross-examine.

Speedy: Robin, let's discuss your military history in Vietnam.

Gizmo: Objection! The defendant's cruddy military record isn't what's on trial.

Speedy: I'm trying to fill up three hours your honor.

Judge Blood: Objection over-ruled. Keep going Speedy.

Speedy: Well Robin tell us about your time in Vietnam.

Robin: Well I guess the most graphic event I ever witnessed was when I me and my platoon went to a villiage...

(Flashback presented in sock puppet form)

Sladebot Marine Puppet: Hey guys looks like another great day huh?

Sladebot Soldier Puppet: Sure is!

Sladebot Captain Puppet: Hey guys, we just got word from the lord of evil in Saigon. He wants us to slaughter an entire village of people.

Sladebot Marine Puppet: Sounds super.

(Puppet villagers line up and are shot to pieces)

Sladebot Soldier Pupper: All this mindless murder makes me hungry. Hey you guys want to split a baby?

Sladebot Captain Puppet: Sounds awesome, but we need money to buy a baby.

Sladebot Marine Puppet: I'm sorry Cap, but I gave all my money to the devil.

Sladebot Captain Puppet: MARRRRIIIINNNEE!

(Puppets bonk each other with clubs, flashback ends)

Gizmo: Your honor, I object! That entire scene was completely baised, devoid of any actual facts and offensive to people who lost their lives in cruddy Vietnam! No one would have listened to such illegal orders in the US Army, the only known village massacre like that happnening was at My Lai and such events were not routine! Not only that, but this has nothing to do with anything about the fact Robin Jack killed two people!

Judge Blood: I know this evidence should be thrown out, but we need to fill...

Gizmo: Three cruddy hours I know.

Speedy: So you hate America because of this senseless slaughter of innocent people brought on by the American Government in the White house?

Gizmo: I thought he said the orders were from Saigon?

Speedy: Not done yet. Answer my softball question Robin.

Robin: Yes that and I hate Nixon. Can I tell you guys how much I hate him? I have a speech all set up.

Gizmo: Oh my cruddy god.

(SEVERAL LONG BORING HOURS LATER)

Judge Blood: Well your defence people put up a good case. Unfortunately, it failed to prove whether or not Robin is innocent. Since you confessed and all that you killed two people who raped your friend, making you a vigilante, and that you shot a police man, making you an attempted murderer, I sentence you to five years in prison.

Gizmo: Five years! He killed two people!

Judge Blood: So?

(Hippies cry out and boo the sentence)

Hippies: Unfair, Unfair! Robin is innocent let him off!

Gizmo: You barf brains! He practically did get off!

Robin: This is just another example of the government trying to silence me with their unfair laws.

Gizmo: What are you talking about? You got the most lenient sentence in the history of man kind for murder! If the government was railroading you they would have just sentenced you to death!

Robin: But I didn't do anything wrong.

Gizmo: You admitted to killing two people! CRUD! This place is full of stupid idiots! If you barf brains need me I'll be in my trailer away from this crap. Marches off set.

GR: Dude, relax. It's just a movie!

(Montage of Freedom school with Starfire as the voiceover)

Stafire: For the next couple of years, we fought hard against the government who wished to close the school down. At the same time the American tax dollars went to funding our beloved Freedom School. (Star stops reading) Friend Rage I am confused as to why the Government would hate me yet send me money to keep me running a school? Are the goverments of Earth all this way?

GR: Tom Laughlin wrote the script okay, don't ask me to try and understand his logic.

Starfire: Shall I continue then?

GR: Please. The sooner these three hours are up the better.

Starfire: Okay, (Clears throat) We used this money to buy a swimming pool, radio and recording staions as well as started a new trend of sport classes know as Yoga Sports

(BB playing Yoga Tennis with Raven, but he doesn't know who is winning)

BB: I don't understand what I'm doing? Raven what are the rules again?

Raven: (Holds up big book of Yoga Sports) It says you just play the game as normal, except no one keeps scores and you don't worry about technical rules like if a ball is out or not.

BB: Then how am I suppose to know who wins?

Raven: It doesn't say anything about that.

(Cyborg comes up to them)

Cyborg: Guys, I've been trying to learn Yoga Football but I'm confused. The yard lines aren't numbered and everyone is all over the place. I don't know which team I'm on, we're all wearing the same colours! Like it matters though, there's something in the rules about us not tackling each other. It says we have to...um...

Raven: It say you have to stop and win the ball back from someone in an ideological debate.

Cyborg: I don't have time for that!

Raven: You think your game is badly structured look over at the Yoga Basketball Court.

(Herald and Hotspot are dribbling the the ball around each other when Herald throws the ball at the net post. Problem is there is no net so it bounces back at them)

Herald: I have no idea what is going on.

Hotspot: I know, why is there no net? How can I beat your ass if there is no net?

Herald: Excuse me, I believe I have the ball more often than you.

Hotspot: Oh please I'm kicking your ass and I don't even know the score!

(Cut back to Rae, Cy and BB)

Raven: This entire display is a mockery of what Yoga is suppose to be about.

BB: I wonder how Yoga Baseball works?

(Cut to Pantha playing ball with Titans East, however before the pitch come in)

Pantha: Uh, everyone. you do realize its just the six of us here right?

Speedy: Says in the rules we just take turns hitting the ball with a bat. Nothing about teams or positions or anything.

Aqualad: This is stupid, I'm going in the pool.

Bumblebee: Yeah, I'm not playing this anymore. It's boring.

Mas: Cie.

Menos: Yoga Sports es Stupido.

(Back to Starfire Voiceover)

Starfire: We decided to advance the causes of the freedom school by publishing scorching exposes of government corruption. I say scorching because friend Hotspot kept touching them.

(Hotspot holding a burning paper)

Hotspot: Whoops, sorry. I'll just set that down right here. (Hotspot attempts to drop burning paper. Aqualad rushes over and sprays fire out with water powers. Hotspot get splashed and burns out. Hotspot looks at Aqualas) I hate you.

Speedy: Can we please talk about the incredible thing I discovered.

Starfire: Oh yes please Friend Speedy, do tell!

Speedy: Okay, get this. I found transcips of a secret meeting between White House officials and Big Oil executives who talked about manipulating the Six Day War and the Energy Crisis so they could make money.

Raven: Wasn't the Six Day War a more religious and ideological struggle than an energy one?

Speedy: Yes.

Bumblebee: And how exactly did you this find this out?

Speedy: I uh, asked a homeless guy on the street and he gave these crumpled up poorly written papers.

Aqualad: The look like Napkins.

Speedy: Uh yeah they are.

Hotspot: So you didn't find anything, did you?

Speedy: No, but can't we just lie and say we did anyway?

Kole: Didn't that get Dan Rather fired?

Speedy: Who cares? This will blow the lid off the capital.

Bumblebee: Then they'll try to arrest us like that. (Snaps fingers)

GR: The script says for you to do a cut throatg gesture.

Bumblebee: What? Why did the original director want that? Doesn't he know that snapping fingers is the universal sign in the ghetto for being arrested by the man?

GR: Tom Laughlin isn't black. He's too busy trying to sell himself off as an Indian.

BB: You mean like Ward Churchill.

GR: Actually yes, they both spew bullcrap and they are both not real Indians. Good call.

BB: Thanks. So whose line is it?

Aqualad: Mine, They wouldn't arrest us Bee. They's probably just blow up the school or even close it down! (Catches self) Wait wouldn't they try the latter one first and former one second.

GR: I told you, we're following Tom Laughlin's crappy script! Anyway, Starfire, continue with voiceover.

(Starfire continues voiceover)

Starfire: We then began to speak on the television with our private pirate broadcast system. We soon exposed our first example of evil big bussiness by doing a story on a local family owned furniture store in town.

Argent: Was it being closed becaused it lost bussiness to a bigger more powerful company store?

Starfire: No, the Furniture store wasn't the victim, it was the exposed.

(Cut to scene outside Furniture store)

Jynx: We're outside this furniture store that reposessed and destroyed the furniture that it sold to a customer because she was black. Mr. Store owner why would you do such a horrible thing? Is it because you're a racist?

Bob: Of course not Shirley.

Jynx: My name is Jynx.

Bob: That super Sally. We had to reposses that furniture because it wasn't paid for, it was on loan from the store. The woman missed the last payment and the supreme creator ordered it to be returned.

Jynx: Than why did you destroy it?

Bob: Of course we didn't destroy it Cindy. Why would we destroy our stuff? I'll be in the back. (Leaves)

Jynx: Well there you have it. Another prime example of racism in Middle Amer- Rage, Gizmo was right this is stupid.

GR: Take it up with Tom Laughlin for the final time.

(Cut back to Starfire Voiceover)

Starfire: That was when our biggest problems began. Amazingly our small TV station which probably shouldn't have the power to boost the signal all the way to DC managed to do so. Amazing is it not and this is before cable. Then the mean people in DC decided we were a threat for simply taking on a family owned store and feared that we'd strike the pizza place next. Our school was invaded by two federal agents who came in and than left just as quickly. We were able to however come up with a device that would allow us to discover if they had planted any bugs or if anyone was lying just by talking next to it. We called it the 'Super Lie Detector.' We were all so excited.

(Cut to Cyborg dancing around machine)

Cyborg: It awesome man! It will change the world man! Governments and nations will fall before its might man! Now who wants waffles?

Raven: A movie based around this invention would be far greater than this mess.

BB: I know, I got an idea for a trailer. (Talks in trailer voiceover voice) In a world where everyone lies, one green teen heart-throb knows the truth. The Incredible Beastboy in "The Truth Machine." Coming this summer.

Raven: Like I said, anything would be better than this film.

(Starfire Voiceover again)

Starfire: We finally instituted our greatest program yet. The program to help abused children.

(Cut to Star in front of reporters)

Starfire: These young Children have been abused by their parents in horrible ways. For instance Friend Raven has been working with young Friend Timmy whose mother chopped off his hand.

(Raven approaches Timmy whose hand isn't really cut off it's just made to look like it with a cup of Pepsi which he knocks out of her hand. He then proceeds to scream and roll around on the floor.)

Reporter: Did he do that because he is emotionally traumatized?

Starfire: No, Timmy is in truth a 7up man.

Woman Reporter: How do you intend to help these children?

Starfire: We intend to help them with love. Love that will show them that they are loved. We will love them and their parents and they will love us back. Soo that love will change them and they will love everything, love, love, love, love.

Reporters: Awwwwww!

Woman Reporter: Cute, but seriously how are you gonna help them?

Starfire: Well, that actually is the plan.

Reporter: But isn't that answer way too simple and arbitrary to work in the real and complex world. You're not going to do councilling or psychiatric care or possibly seperate them from their child until they can deal with everything in a rational and responsible way.

Starfire: Those way are too impersonal. Only love shall truly work in the long run.

Reporter: Okay, everyone we just officially entered a hippie wet dream. Come on lets go before they start singing stuff.

(Reporters scramble out of the school, Starfire voiceover continues)

Starfire: Then came the day that Robin Jack came out of prison early thanks to good behaviour, but I knew the government would never let him get two feet out the door.

(Robin leaves prison gate and looks around)

Robin: Say Rage, where are the hot assassin ninja chicks?

GR: Oh you mean the ones the government hired to kill you? Well let me explain, you see the evil government of Amerika only seems to like talking about how to kill you. However they never truly take a chance. In fact several times when they could have killed you easily without much of a problem with the courts will be completely passed up.

Robin: The vast Right-Wing conspiracy lost it's touch huh?

GR: Brother, in the world of Tom Laughlin, the conspiracy is apparently made up of morons.

Robin: Okay then now what?

GR: Tom Laughlin's favourite special effect, the Helicopter shot!

(Helicopter shot of Starfire standing on cliff with Robin's crappy looking cowboy hat. Robin arrives and she puts it on his head and pulls him into a bone crushing hug. Thankfully we switched Robin with a dummy so it's okay. Cut to scene of the glourious reuniting at the Fredom School)

Robin: I'm back my bitches!

Hippie hereos: YAY!

(Kitten comes on stage with a guitar and starts to sing badly)

Kitten: Oh Robbie poo, was in jail, but they couldn't keep him there!

Now Robbie poo is back here from there!

Oh don't go back Robbie Jack!

Don't go back Robbie...

(BB comes on stage and grabs guitat from Kitten. Then he smashes it on the ground and then starts jumping on it wildly. Finally he stops and stomps off stage)

Raven: Thank you! I'm just dissapointed that I didn't do it first.

GR: Congrates team we made through the First Half, if you truly wish to continue on please scroll down. But be warned, this film only gets worse from here on out. Also many Indians may be offeneded by the fact that Tom Laughlin turned them into bland streotypes. Oh well, let's continue.

(Freedom School Lounge)

Starfire: Friend Robin I have just recieved word that our Indian friends are lost in a snow storm.

Robin: They're Indians, they'll be fine. They know how survive better than we do out there.

Starfire: Also the local town refuses to rescue them because everyone outside of our school is racist.

Robin: So you're saying this is my first chance to save someone from the government since I was out of prison?

Starfire: Correct.

Robin: (Gets up) This looks like a job for! (Runs into closet and come out with cowboy hat on) Robin Jack! Quick to the RJ Chopper!

(Crappy campy parody of Batman music plays as the Star and Robin lift off to find the Indians)

Starfire: Look there they are!

Robin: Hang on, I'm going do a cool stunt!

(Chopper crashes head first into ground. Our hippie heroes stumble out)

Starfire: Friend Robin did you mean to crash into the ground and endanger both our lives?

Robin: Um, yes.

Starfire: Than I am sure you had a reason.

Robin: Uh yeah, sure, yeah I had one. Don't remember it though.

Starfire: Let us see to a redskinned friends.

(Director's note: There are not indian Super Teens we could find. We hired extras off a reservation)

Robin: Hello Smiling Moose it is good to see you.

Smiling Moose: My name is Dave, Robin.

Robin: Of course Smiling Moose. We are here to save you.

Smiling Moose: I told you my name is Dave. And we're fine. Our snowmobiles just ran out of fuel. We kinda had to abandon them and we were making our way back when you showed up.

Robin: Smiling Moose I am glad to see you alive and well, but tell me why did you not look to the great spirit to guide your way?

Smiling Moose: My name is Dave! Emphasis on the D sound okay? And we have a GPS unit in palm pilot.

Robin: Don not fear we shall return you the great city where our medicine men will help you.

(Smiling Moose beats up scriptwriter for continuing to write his name like that)

Dave: MY NAME IS DAVE! DAVE! (Grabs Robin's cheeks and starts moving them to the sounds of the letters of his name) D-A-V-E! DAVE! God! What is with you? No one names their children those titles anymore! Jesus Christ! You know a stereotype is still a stereotype no matter how positive.

Robin: (Sees litter on ground) Why must the white man continue to be such fools? (Begins to shed a tear)

Dave: That does it, I'm getting my lawyer.

(Later at a courthouse that looks vaguely familar from last time)

Judge Blood: So you Indian feelas tresspassed on land owned by Slade Posner huh?

(Robin jumps up and shakes fist in air)

Robin: POSENEEEEEEEEEEER!

(Captain Kirk Get up and Shakes fist in air)

Kirk: KHAAAAAAAAAAAAN!

(Ghost of Marlon Brando gets up and rips shirts and yells)

Ghost of Marlon Brando: STEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLAAA!

(Judge Blood pounds gavel)

Judge Blood: Everyone stop screaming names of their enemies and lost loves or I will clear the court. However the hippies are free to act like unruly idiots just like the last trial.

(Hippie Heroes start singing the 'WAR: What is it good for?' Song)

Judge Blood: Now, completely stereotypical Indian Lawyer woman you may open your case.

Indian Female Lawyer Setreotype: We are not subject to your laws!

Malchior: Yeah that what I said when I sexual assualted Raven, I'm a dragon for the love of god not a human! I'm not subject to your laws! I'll do whateva I want! Whateva! I do what I want! I am out of control!

(Raven comes over and smacks him with a stick)

Raven: Bad evil dragon! Respect my F--king authoritha!

Cartman: HEY! Stop stealing my lines you stupid Jews!

Raven: I'm not Jewish.

Cartman: Oh. (Runs off the set)

Judge Blood: Oh to hell with this bull, I'm just gonna sentence you to ten days in jail, or you can pay that fine we set up and stuff.

Dave: Alright fine, how much was it again?

Indian Female Lawyer Setreotype: My client would rather take your jail time than pay you anymore money!

Dave: What? I just said...

Judge Blood: Okay whatever. Baliff slap the cuffs on him and send him off to the big house.

(Dave is led out of courthouse, Hippies hereos start screaming injustice and unfair and railroad and white trash and several other insults)

Indian Female Lawyer Setreotype: You won't win in the end! We Indians will rise and murder all the white men!

Dave: Lady you're not helping me out here!

(Later outside the hippies are frisked by the policemen)

Sladebot Policeman: Okay now we shall frisk you and stuff.

Speedy: Injustice! (Throws Orange at officer)

Cyborg: Oh nice one ya idiot. Have you ever heard of the crime of 'assualting a police officer'?

(Sladebot Policemen advance on the hippies heroes with bats drawn when Robin shows up)

Robin: You won't harm my friends!

Sladebot Policeman: Well looks like we got a tough monkey here?

BB: Dude, isn't it Jive Turkey?

GR: Yes, but that's how it was phrased in the original film.

BB: Tom Laughlin doesn't know 70's slang well does he?

GR: It's one of the many things he doesn't know well.

Robin: You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna slowly take off my shoes and then kick your ass after I moan on about politics and crap. And there ain't anything you can do about it.

(Robin begins to take off shoes)

Sladebot Policeman: Run! He has shoeless feet and all we have are guns! (Policeman run off)

Robin: That was pathetically easy.

(The Indian Council Meeting)

Starfire: Redskinned Friends we have come here to discuss "IT." As you all know, "IT' is important for your people's survival which is why the village elders have come here to night to discuss it with us. Now our opening speaker the Indian Female Lawyer Setreotype.

Indian Female Lawyer Setreotype: They control our land, they control our plumbing, they control our worship...

Rancid Goose: I though we were isolated from society?

Indian Female Lawyer Setreotype: Not done yet. Where was I oh yeah... They control our money, they control everything in our lives!

Smelly Cat: Wait a sec who are they?

Indian Female Lawyer Setreotype: The White man!

Ima Cow: A question what exactly is this "IT" we are voting on?

Starfire: "IT" is "IT"

Ima Cow: I know that's what it is but what is "IT."

Starfire: It is "IT."

Ima Cow: So what is "IT."

Starfire: "IT"

Ima Cow: Oh for the love of... HEY MY NAME ISN'T IMA COW! IT'S NANCY!

Blue Hawk: I believe instead of working against the white man we should open a casino house and slowly but surely steal all their money by exploiting their gambling problems.

Indian Stereotype 271: That ain't blue hawk. It's Uncle Tommie Hawk.

Cyborg: Okay, First of all that a phrase Black Liberals use to discribe Black Republicans and it is just as offensive as the N-word. Second, everyone stop acting like Stereotypes and stop using crappy names.

Rancid Goose: Why did I get Rancid Goose? My name is Don.

Smelly Cat: And mine is Yancy. (Everyone looks at him confused) I'll stick with Smelly Cat.

(Later Outside)

Indian Stereotype 271: They voted "IT" down.

Nancy: WHAT IS "IT?"

Robin: Why do you bother with all these politics? Why not just stuff your beliefs down other people's throats?

Indian Stereotype 271: Isn't that what you fight against the evil republicans for doing?

Robin: Yes, but truth be told Robin Jack is a member of DailyKos and we pride ourselves on ruthlessly eliminating anyone whose ideas our different than ours. Like Blue Hawk. Why did he turn against us?

Indian Stereotype 271: Because the government caught him embezzling funds and they said they'd keep it quiet if he went against "IT."

Raven: I thought you guys were poor? How can you embezzle funds?

Cyborg: And if the government covered it up how come you're talking about it?

(Indian Stereotype 271 notices litter on ground)

Indian Stereotype 271: Why does the white man treat our earth this way? (Sheds a tear)

Raven: That's a lawsuit.

(Slade Posner is driving a bus into Indian territory)

Slade: On this bus we have Pentagon Officials, Corporation Presidents, Washington Politicians and the Lieutenant Governor.

The Devil Bus Driver: And we gonna get laid tonite! But first we sacrifice the still beating heart of a mortal baby.

Slade: We are such dull 1D villians.

(Another Indian Meeting)

Robin: It's time to stop Slade Posner once and for all! Any body have an idea?

BB: Yeah, let's videotape them at the party and get incriminating evidence on their illegal actions.

Robin: I have a better plan.

(Robin leads a torch light vigile of gun totting vigilantees)

Robin: Kill that which is does not vote for the Green Party!

BB: Rae, do you ever stop to wonder why Robin Jack is such an moron?

Raven: No, I just close my eyes and pretend I'm somewhere better.

(Raven Dream Sequence)

(Depressing Cafe)

Goth: Congrats Raven, your depressing poetry has surpassed all challengers. Here is the ghost of Edgar Allan Poe to present you with an award for being incredily depressing.

Ghost of Edgar Allan Poe: I wrote a lot of sad and lonely poems and stories but you take the cake. Heres your commorative plaque.

Raven: Thanks Mr. Poe.

(Muscular Beastboy in Superman outfit comes up on stage)

Muscular BB: Hey Rae, I matured. Wanna come away with me?

Raven: Sure.

(Jumps in his arms and Muscular BB flies off like Superman)

(End Dream Sequence)

Raven: I have really got to stop ending my fantasies like that. Oh well maybe just one more.

(Closes eyes again, BB looks on confused)

(Slade Posner's Party)

Slade: Welcome my cabal of evildoers to another session of the wanna be Legion of Doom club. Now let us all drink the blood of the slaughtered goat from our dishes.

(Evil 1D villians drink blood from dishes, then Robin Jack kicks the door down and fires a round into the air)

Robin: Your evil days are numbered! We're here to kill you all! I have compsed a speech on why you are all evil!

BB: Oh boy.

Cyborg: You said it man, I'll be by the car.

(Several Dull hours later)

Robin: So in conclusion...hey where is everyone?

Starfire: Friend Robin, I fear that why you were orating our enemies slipped through our grasp and drove off.

Robin: Aw man. Oh well get Cy to bring the car around.

Starfire: In truth he cannot because he has already left.

(Look behind him to see his posse gone)

Robin: Oh son of a bitch.

(At Indian Medicine Man hut)

Robin: Grandfather I have come to ask for your guidance.

Grandfather: My name is Steve and I will only amuse you by acting like the precieved stereotype that your people view my people's elders to be because I'm being paid. Okay anyway it's time to go on a cosmic spirit journey.

Robin: How?

(Steve sticks a big hooka up his nose)

Steve: There now breath in real hard and just wander around the desert for a few days.

(Robin goes into kalidoscope vision and wakes up in a cheesy hotel with his shirt off)

Robin: Dude where am I?

(Notices Hooker beside him)

Hooker: Hey baby.

Robin: AH! Who the hell are you?

(Man step out of the bathroom with towel on)

Man: Morning Tiger.

Robin: Who is he?

(Robin Notices several comatose homeless people on the floor)

Robin: Who are they?

Hooker: You should see the video you made.

(Hooker puts in video tape and hits play, tape show Robin running around with half naked women in a captain's suit)

Robin on Tape: I throw the meanest sexy parties!

Robin: Geez, I must of took a bigger wiff of that hooka than I thought.

(Raven bursts in through the door)

Robin: Oh hey Raven, how'd you find me?

(Raven uses powers to knock Robin outta bed)

Raven: Next time you touch me there, I'll scramble your subconcious not just your skull! (Storms out of room)

(Robin climbs off of floor)

Robin: I don't wanna know what else happened in the last few days I was out. (Looks at shoulder and notices Tattoo heart with 'Charlotte' on it) Who the hell is Charlotte?

Hooker: Don't look at me.

GR: Okay this is boring, I'm wasting my time and yours going through all this, let's just fly through this fast final half fast, no one really cares at this point. School's Radio Anttena is blown up, but not the school. National Guard is called in. Posner Convinces Goverment to declare martial Law. Students go to find Robin Jack at his vision quest but Mr. T tells them no and to stay away from drugs. Robin Jack is painted in red and desecends into cavern of overly setreotypical Indian demons and monsters. Comes across a completely Blue Robin Jack who tells him to seek wisdom from spirit of the desert who teaches him that in order to find happiness he must no longer fight anyone with his kung fu, even in self defence. Hippie Heroes go on a drug trip and hold the first 'Total Man Meet.' There are pratically no lain out rules and no body can win. Also everyone has a belly dancer on their team as well as several other losers like poetry composer, rock singers, pole vaulters and a relay team. The game makes no sense and Raven remarks that like everything this is pointless. The Symobonese Liberation Army stops by and tries to make everyone kidnapp some people and burn stuff down. Security immedietly kills them all and I sweep their bodies outback to the dumpster. Than the Hippie heroes get jumped by Billy Numerous' doubles in the desert. No one knows why they out there. The T-Car is doused in gasoline and set ablaze. Robin Jack shows up and begins along his path of new found pacifism by beating everyone up. Robin remarks that he has learn pacifism to everyone and BB asks him if he did why did he beat those people up? Robin Jack suffers an angnorism from this and start convulsing on the ground. Timmy Tantrum rides a burro. An Indian kid dies and several random tin foil hat wearing nut jubs invade the set to make things een stupider. Another Indian Meeting that no one cares about. Billy Numerous and Slade Posner are killed by Robin Jack at town hall after Indian Setreotype 271 is kiddnapped by them. Robin Jack retreats to a small church where he fires at police for several hours. Amazingly the polic don't take this opportunity to kill him and instead force him to surrender by tricking him into thinking that they'll pull back the national guard. Robin Jack is an idiot and follows their orders and ends up almost getting killed in a poorly attempted staged murder scene, but escapes. Than the National gets bricks thrown at them and they start shooting hippies for several minutes. Hippies run into bullets because they're high. Indians show up and stop them. Whole scene is rather badly made and poorly staged and extremely sappy and over the top. No Fox Action News van is around to cover the story. Robin Jack is found by Indians. Okay resume Story.

(Indian Medicine Hut)

Steve: I'm afraid because you failed to stay on the path of Pacifism you will die. Although our medicine did work.

Robin: That's just your insurance policy that you use so you don't get sued!

Steve: Yes it is. Oh well bye.

(Robin Jack wakes up in a better hospital and ends up surviving)

Robin: Is the movie over?

GR: One second more...

Hippie Heroes: (Singing) All We're saying is just don't watch this crap!

GR: And we're clear!

Robin: Thank god! That was the worst film ever!

BB: Dude I know it sucked monkey ass.

Starfire: I found it was most delightful...when it ended.

Raven: Did anybody understand what the overall message was? Because there were so many topics and politics in that film I didn't understand what we were getting at.

Cyborg: Man watching those documentaries on Fungus are more fun than this.

Starfire: I agree, perhaps that is what we should do to take our minds off of this horrbile expeirience.

Raven: I need severe meditation. Possibly on level 12 of the astral plane.

BB: I just need videogames. Quick, Rage give me the most mindless FPS you have!

GR: Here take "Shellshock: Nam '67." It isn't good, but it is mindless and you should finish it in like a couple of hours.

(BB grabs game and runs off)

GR: Speaking of mindless shooters, time to think about our next Film. Next one will be two birds with one stone. Robin you get a M60 Machine gun. Also you star alongside Red Star. I hope Jack Abramoff doesn't find out.

(Tom Laughlin bursts into the studio wearing his Billy Jack Costume)

Tom: General Rage, I've come to kick your ass.

GR: Huh? Dude this is private property.

(Tom Slowly takes off his left shoe)

Tom: You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna take my left foot and hit you on the right side of your jaw and there ain't a single thing you can-

(General Rage pokes him in the eyes Stooges style)

GR: Oh shut up ya knucklehead.

(Tom Laughlin falls on floor and rives in pain, begin to claw out his eyes)

Tom: OH MY GOD MY EYES! ARGH! MOTHER OPF GOD HELP ME! AHHH! I'M DIEING! SAVE ME LORD! DEAR SWEET GOD HELP ME! I'M GONNA DIE! AHHH! MOMMY! HELP ME!

GR: That's the second Directorial hack I've caused harm to. At least this one was still alive.

Cyborg: Man you were right, this guy is a pansy.

Next time the Robin and Red Star star in a parody of "Rambo" and "Red Scorpion"! How long will the maddness last!


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6: Rombo: First Injury Part Deux!

or

Red 'Star' Scorpion

Starring:

Robin as Rambo

Red Star as the Disallusioned Communist Soldier who goes crazy and kills his former masters.

Beastboy as the Colonel

and

Vietnam Chicks we found in a back alley as the female intrests

General Rage was reading 'Infinite Crisis'

"You know I never really liked Superboy anyway." He said flipping the pages

Beastboy was reading Teen Titans #30

"Am I Kissing who I think I'm kissing?" He asked

Rage suddenly noticed what BB was doing and grabbed the comic away

"Sorry," he said "I shouldn't have left that out. Can't let you know what you just saw, it could endanger the future of your relationship."

"With who?" Beastboy questioned "Rae?"

Rage pulled out a pair of sunglasses and a MIB Memory eraser a flick of a button and a Flash went off

"So Beastboy," Rage asked "did you enjoy your trip to Disneyland?"

"Donald Duck still makes me laugh." Beastboy acknowledged

Rage suddenly realises that we are watching him once he sees the camera in his face

"Oh hi everyone," he says to the readers "me and BB here were just taking some down time. Everyone except me, BB and Robin are still trying to get over our last little parody so I've had to fill all the female roles with these Vietnamese prostitutes. Not that it matters though we pretty much won't use them, they're just here to provide entertainment to the crew. They worked so hard. Also Red Star finally showed up and is ready to star in the parody of the two most mindless 80's action films of all time. We couldn't complete our political parodies series without them. This isn't the last one but we're getting there.

"I get to be a high ranking officer!" Beastboy said happily "That means I get to boss Robin around. It feels good to have power."

"Whatever," Rage said before turning back to the reader "anyway if most of you are wondering how much longer we must endure these horrors, never fear. We only have a couple more parodies to go and we're home free."

"Than we can start work on more serious projects." Beastboy suggested "Like a parody of Harry Potter or something."

"I was thinking along the lines of a super crossover I have in the works," Rage explained "but yeah that works too."

Robin now came along in a costumne fit for the film

"Okay," Robin stated "I got the head band, the M60 and the bow and arrow. I'm ready to rock."

"And I got this sweet looking green beret." Beastboy said pointing to his hat "It makes me look all high and mighty."

"One last thing." said Rage, then he quickly grabbed a bottle of steroids and shoved them into Robin's mouth "Don't try this period, okay kids." Rage said to camer as he forced Robin to swallow the pills. When it was over Robin was suddenly pumped up

"Okay, now you're ready." Rage said to the buff Robin

"Isn't this lethal?" Robin asked gasping somewhat

Rage looked around shiftly

"Uh, maybe." Rage said rather unsure "I don't know. Everyone to their places."

* * *

(Opening, Robin in a prison quarry mindlessly crushing rocks, Colonel Beastboy steps up to him)

Col. BB: Hey Robin, how's life treating ya? Good?

Robin: No, I'm stuck in a prison quarry doing mindless work that doesn't benefit society. What am I in jail for again? The sun in this desert is starting to give me heat damage to my brain.

Col. BB: Well if I re-call you kinda went crazy and started a war against a small town constublary and an entire detachment of the national guard.

Robin: Oh yeah. But nobody died!

Col. BB: Well not on purpose. You killed that one guy who was shooting at you from the chooper.

Robin: Well too bad okay! I know police rules, they don't fire on someone who is unarmed. All I had were rocks, I had to defend myself somehow, right?

Col. BB: I'm sorry they sent you to such a hellhole.

Robin: I've seen worse, like this bar in Kentucky and this bar in Idaho and this bar in...

Col. BB: What about the Nam' prison camp?

Robin: Oh that, yeah that sucked the worse. They had no beer at all. That and the constant toture puts it on the bottom of the list.

Col. BB: Well I found a way to help you.

Robin: You did?

Col. BB: Yeah, a way to get you out of this place.

Robin: Great, just let me get out of these orange clothes so I can hit the local bar, I need a beer real bad. I also need a woman, these guys are getting a little too finicky in the showers.

Col. BB: Actually, its a special mssion and them cool looking computers we got dug up your name as one of three most likely to be successful.

Robin: What does that mean?

Col. BB: The other two aren't exactly what we'd consider military standards. Besides if we choose someone else this wouldn't be the movie's sequel. I mean it does bare your name. You can't possibly wanna stay here?

Robin: I'd rather stay here with Big Joe looking at me when I'm in the stall next to him. At least I know where I stand.

Col. BB: It's in Vietnam and you get to blow stuff up.

Robin: I'm all game!

(Big Joe slumps away all dissapointed)

Col. BB: Alright than, I'll send a chopper to pick you up at the airfield. (Walks away)

Robin: Hey BB!

(BB turns around)

Robin: Do we get to win this time?

Col. BB: (Sighs) Yes, yes we get to win this time. But mostly it relies on you. You get to go over to a crappy mudhole and kill all the communists there and liberate it from tyranny. For the sake of the arguement at least this film will make Americans stop being so down on themselves since they lost the first time. Still don't give the hippies too much credit for causing us to lose. That responsibility lies soley on Walter Cronkite for over exagerating the Tet Offensive.

Walter Cronkite: I just reported it.

Col. BB: You made it sound like we completely got screwed over! The Viet Cong weren't looking to actually gain anything but media coverage and you gave it to them!

Walter Cronkite: I just report what the public wants to hear okay, not what they should hear. Besides "Everthing is Fine" doesn't make good headlines and doesn't sell papers. "Everything is going to hell" gets you ratings. And thats the way it is.

Col. BB: Rage can you help me out?

GR: Not getting involved in this! (Continues to read DC vs Marvel) He, He, Spidey kicked Superboy's snobby teen ass. Funny. I'm so gonna get flamed for all these spoilers.

(Meanwhile in Russia at the Kremlin)

Russian General: Okay Captain Kovlar, alias Red Star, your task is to go to Vietnam and crush a rebellion against that country's communist dictatorship. You won't get disallusioned while your there right?

Red Star: (Whiny) No I won't.

Russian General: And you'll pack clean underwear correct?

Red Star: (Whiny) Yes I will.

Russian General: And you will eat your sandwhich I made you?

Red Star: (Whiny) Yeah fine whatever.

Russian General: That's a good violent communist oppressor, now run along and kill some dissadents.

Red Star: Finally, bye than.

Russian General: Remember to brush your teeth!

(Red Star runs off)

Russian General: They grow up so fast. (Wipes tear away)

(American Airbase in Thailand, which still likes America or something, Robin arrives at airbase in Chopper.)

Larry: Hey Robin, they got me to star as the annoying guy who tries to talk to you and ask stupid questions. (Robin says nothing) So what was it like in Nam' huh? Did you kill anyone huh? Did you jump in a chooper playing 'Duh-da-da-Duh-da' while blowing up a whole sea side shany town? Did you kill hippies? How many Hippies? Were they stoner hippies or just naked hippies or naked stoned hippies? Huh? Huh?

Robin: Rage can I shoot him?

GR: Don't worry I planned for this. Alright guys we need ritalin, stat!

(Doctors stuff Larry full of ritalin and he falls on the ground asleep.)

Robin: Why didn't I think of that?

GR: Because you don't have the resources or man power. Get on with the movie.

(Robin enters officer bunker where Col. BB and Val Yor are)

Val Yor: Ah Robin good to meet you. I'm the scumbag Washington Politician who won't technically be your enemy but will seriously piss you off by not trying to save if get into trouble on this mission. Now here's the plan, (Shows Robin a recon photo) we think this camp here is where they are holding the prisoners. We aren't really sure so we need proof. Here is what we do, you're gonna drop into enemy territory and make your way to the camp. If you find evidence of POWs in the facility than you gather evidence with this cool camera here. Under no circumstances are you to engage the enemy and once you get the evidence head for extraction.

Robin: And if there are prisoners I just leave them there?

Val Yor: There's another team of soldiers who will do the rescue job.

Robin: Great, this makes it sound like I'm not going to explode something.

Col. BB: You can have some fire crackers and this empty tin can, will that tide you over.

Robin:Yeah sure I guess.

Val Yor: Okay lets get you to the command center and give you some cool stuff to use on the mission.

(Later in the command center)

Val Yor: Okay we have several nifty pieces of techno junk to give to help on the mission. For example this superior disguise for all occassions!

Robin: It's a cardboard box.

Val Yor: No it an all purpose superior disguise.

Col. BB: No really, its just a cardboard box.

Val Yor: To the untrained eye yes, but get inside the box and put over your head like so...(Goes under the box) no one can possibly find me!

Col. BB: Isn't a random box in the middle of anywhere kinda noticeable, especially outside.

Val Yor: (Gets out of box) Well if you don't like it you can use that stupid ordinary bush camouflage. You people have no imagination. Anyway, if you feel alone out there Robin never fear, this room is packed with all kinds of cool junk to help your mission succeed. And we got all these really cool weapons too.

Robin: I always thought the mind was the greatest weapon.

Val Yor: Can your mind be shot out of a bazooka and straight into a battalion of enemy tanks causing them all to explode?

Robin: No, I'd probably be dead by the time you got it out of my skull.

Val Yor: Well then it isn't a very good weapon then is it.

Col. BB: Does everything have to explode to be a good weapon?

Val Yor: Yes.

Robin: Well exploding stuff is still cool. But I still wanna check this place out a little. Say is that a pinball machine sweet. (Goes to play pinball)

Val Yor: Colonel, are you sure this guy hasn't lost the edge? Cause I watched that documentary on shellshocked soldiers and I hear they go crazy if they return to a place of past trauma. You sure he can handle that kinda hell

Col. BB: Robin will do whatever it takes to accomplish a mission. That's his only reason for living. He can and he will find and destroy the enemy. And if the mission's success means that he has to die, he'll die. No fear, no regrets. And what you call hell, he calls home.

Val Yor: Wow, that sounds like a pretty devoted soldier.

Col. BB: Well actually if you give him enough alcohol he'll pretty much do anything. Most of his missions were completed when he was intoxicated.

Val Yor: So he drinks beer before he goes out?

Col. BB: Yep, three whole cases of it. I think he's gotten used to it though. He doesn't act as crazy anymore. First time around he assaulted an entire enemy column naked, drunk and screaming. It was so awesome. I got a video of it if you want to see it.

Val Yor: Nah, I think I'll just smoke this ciger here. (smokes cigar) Oh yeah, the cigar. The number one prop for pompous big wigs.

(Meanwhile in a Rebel shack, Red Star approaches a bed with knife in hand when suddenly the lights turn on Red X stands in the corner, with a game show host next to him)

Game show host: Congratulations! You've just stepped right into a trap! You've won a life time supply of failure! Failure, when you just can't win.

(Red X pushes host out of tent)

Red X: Next time don't wear such loud and noisy shoes.

Red Star: But these are standard issue.

Red X: I heard you come in the moment you stepped into camp. You landed on my early warning system.

Red Star: I just stepped on some potato chips at the gate.

Red X: Exactly. Now my guards will beat the crap outta you and return you to your superiors who no doubt kill you for failling.

Red Star: No they won't, they love me.

(Later at Russian camp, Red Star gets beat up for failing his mission)

Red Star: Stop shocking me it hurts!

GR: I'd go into detail about how Red Star escapes, but I have a better idea. (Begins to chant) DEUS EX MECHIMA!

(Tank crashes into Red Star's cell and gets him loose. Red Star than hijacks the tank and blasts his way out tof the camp and runs off into the jungle)

Red Star: I shall return for revenge! (Dissapears into foliage)

Russian General: He ain't coming back. Come on lets go drink vodka.

(Soldiers follow General)

(Meanwhile back at the American Base, We get to see that super sweet weapon montage, which includes the big knife, the little throw knives, the explosive arrow heads, and a pie because even a killing machine has to eat. Robin then meet Col. BB at the airplane)

Col. BB: Okay basically you're going to be thrown off a plane and into enemy territory. You'll then have to make your way to the prison camp upriver once there you will find the eivdence of whether or not there are POWs there and then high tail it back to extraction point.

Robin: The plane isn't going to screw up and snag my rip cord sending me into a violent tailspin and possibly killing me?

Col. BB: No. I'm sure its safe, then again if it was an easy insertion this would'nt be much of a film would it. Just be careful out there. It's a different Nam', different war.

Robin: Do people still die if they get shot?

Col. BB: Yes.

Robin: Then its the same to me. By the way, you're the only one I trust here.

Col. BB: Because Val Yor is an obvious scum bag?

Robin: No, they don't have cupcakes in the cafeteria. Thats a big problem.

Col. BB: O...kay.

(Robin gets on plane and flies off, Val Yor stands beside Col. BB on airfield)

Val Yor: Well, there goes the crazy gun totting nut job.

Col. BB: You do realize he's going to kill commies and this film will have explosions anyway right?

Val Yor: Yeah, but I don't care about it at all. Besides, I get to smoke more Cigars! (Smokes another cigar) Oh yeah, I am such a scumbag.

(Later in the airplane)

Robin: Okay time to jump out. (Jumps out of door and gets snagged by the turbulance making him get dragged alongside the plane) Ah son of a bitch! Why! Why the overkill? (Cuts away his equipment sacks) Oh no that one had the pie in it! (Cuts parachute cord) This was a bad ideeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! (Falls away)

(Command Center)

Col. BB: Well that was dramatic overkill.

Val Yor: He better have survived, I still have more cigars to smoke.

(Robin moves through the jungle in a rather boring cut of scenes. however there is dramatic music so we'll let it slide.)

Robin: Okay so how does this compass work again?

(Scary snake sneaks up behind him)

Snake: Beware me! I'm only five feet long and non-posoinous! There is also no way I can swallow anything bigger than a bird's egg! I'm no threat at all!

(Robin turns around and crushes snake's neck)

PeTA freak: ANIMAL ABUSE!

GR: The snake was rubber you idiot. (Continues to eat hamburger in front of him)

PeTA freak: I hate you.

GR: Because I'm not a vegean? Well at least BB doesn't force anyone to eat only tofu.

Col. BB: I just want them to try it.

GR: Hey get back to the set.

(Robin now runs into Vietnamese contact)

Robin: Blackfire?

Blackfire: Rage said I was the only one qualify since all Vietnamese have black hair. That and all the Vietnamse prositutes are busy with the teamsters.

The Only BF/Rob shipper in the world: WOHOO!

GR: Oh shut up, she dies half way through the film.

The Only BF/Rob shipper in the world: (Whiny) Oh. Why?

GR: It gives Robin the motivation to go all crazy and kill everyone on his own.

(Blackfire takes Robin to pirate camp)

Robin: You sure it is safe to trust pirates?

Blackfire: No, but who cares anyway.

(Blackfire pays boat captain and they set off for the prison camp)

Robin: Say, what happens if we run into patrol boats?

Pirate Captain: Allow me to flash these cool RPGs in front of you. I can't use them though because I'm drunk. (Staggers off the side of the boat but quickly climbs back on) I'm okay! (Staggers around and falls into water again but scrables back on boat) I'll be in the cabin.

(Robin lifts up the rug on the floor revealing weapon boxes in Russian writing)

Blackfire: Russian?

Robin: I think this is called dramatic foreshadowing.

(Later on down river)

Blackfire: So how'd you get into this.

Robin: After Vietnam I returned home to a new kinda war. A quiet war, against me and any other soldier returning. They treated me like dirt and didn't show me respect like other returning soldiers. So I left the army and wandered around a lot.

Blackfire: Like Billy Jack?

Robin: No! Billy Jack is the pussy version of Rambo and was made way before Rambo! Do you see the irony! So what about you?

Blackfire: Typically my father worked undercover for the CIA. When he died I took his place. There's too much death in Vietnam. I'd rather live in America to tell you the truth. It's what sustains me. What about you? What keeps you going?

Robin: I just want to win.

Blackfire: Is that why they picked you?

Robin: No, because I'm expendable. I don't really matter. Thats the kind of attitude us wandering war scarred action heroes take. Say that isn't another gemstone you stole around your neck?

Blackfire: Of course not! It's a prop that Rage gave me. Its suppose to bring good luck. What brings you good luck?

Robin: This super big knife! (Holds up knife) It's pretty sweet huh?

Blackfire: Yeah sure. (Rolls eyes at his machoness)

(Back at military base)

Val Yor: Oh yeah, this sandwhich rocks. It's like baloney or something, right?

Col. BB: Its made out of cigars.

Val Yor: (Looks at sandwhich contents) Well what do you know, it is! I am such a scum bag!

Col. BB: Anyway, I want to join the extraction team.

Val Yor: No way. Robin is so not alive.

Col. BB: Maybe we would know if he was if we gave him a radio or something.

Val Yor: I forgot to pack him one so what?

Col. BB: You said we'd proceed as planned.

Val Yor: Fine. You get to go on the extraction team. Now lets see how many cigars I can stuff into my mouth at the same time!

(Robin and Blackfire arrive at camp)

Blackfire: I told you it was empty.

Robin: Oh yeah than who is that?

(Random Sladebot wearing a Coonie Hat walks into view)

Blackfire: Well that's a surprise.

Robin: Not really considering this is a Conservative film. I'm gonna see how many prisoners they got, stay here.

Blackfire: I thought you were just suppose to take pictures.

Robin: I'm going to, of prisoners.

(Robin goes off to find prison cells, sneaking through the camp all stealthy like. Than he comes across American prisoners, one of them apparently crucified. Robin cuts the crucified one down and heads back to Blackfire with Soldier in tow)

Robin: Hey I found one! This is even better than pictures.

Blackfire: Hey look a couple of random guards.

(Robin Throws a knife and kills one of them)

Blackfire: You broke another order.

Robin: Relax, at least no alarms sounded.

(Alarm sounds)

Robin: Forget what I said. RUN!

(They all run back to the boat)

(Later on the boat)

Freed Prisoner: Say what year is it?

Robin: 1985.

Freed Prisoner: Dude, I've been a POW for like... 2 decades! Thats just wrong!

(Pirates than surround them with guns pointing at them)

Robin: We've been sold out!

Pirate Captain: I'm still drunk!

(Robin uses his mini-throwing daggers to stb one guy, use his body as sheild, steal his shotgun and turn it it on everyone on the boat. Blackfire kills one guy though. Than a vietnamese patrol boat comes along and Robin pushes both the prisoner and Blackfire off the boat. Than he grabs that RPG we showed earlier and fires it at the patrol boat. Bodies fly into the air)

Flying Bodies: Skittles!

(Flaming patrol Boat slams into pirate boat but Robin escapes just in time)

Robin: (Poking head up from water) That was sweet.

(Robin later nears extraction point)

Robin: This where I go off and you stay behind. I'm taking the prisoner out of here.

Freed Prisoner: I have a name you know.

Blackfire: Will we ever see each other again?

Robin: I dunno. (Turns to leave)

Blackfire: Robin, you are not ependable!

Robin: What? I didn't hear?

Blackfire: Nevermind! Clueless moron.

(Robin reaches extraction point but the Chopper just leaves him there)

Robin: I've been snubbed and backstabbed!

(Vietnamese surround him and recapture him and prisoner)

(Back at command, Col. BB burst in)

Col. BB: Val Yor! You backstabbing bastard! It was all lie wasn't it? Just like the war it was lie! You never meant to save POWs! Robin goes in, finds no POWs, congress buys it, and you don't have to worry about make reperations to Vietnamese to get them back, just like in 71. You just wanted to cover your ass so you didn't have to make a deal with the Vietcong to get the soldiers back!

Val Yor: I don't want to pay them. I need that money to buy cigars! Your boy was just supposed to take pictures.

Col. BB: And than you would have lost them somehow huh? The only people who know that he found anybody are you and your damn computers!

Val Yor: Well what do you want to do? Start the war all over again? Cause I don't! Then I Cuba will get pissed and won't send anymore cigars!

Col. BB: You smuggle them in?

Val Yor: DUH! I'm not going to start bombing Hanoi again just for a bunch of ghosts!

Col. BB: They're men you bastard! The least you could do is acknowledge that they suffered at the hands of the Vietcong and that they deserve as much respect as anyone.

Val Yor: Yeah whatever. I win, you lose. Game over. I'm gonna smoke more cigars.

Col. BB: Well let me tell you. You underestimated one thing in your plan.

Val Yor: What?

Col. BB: Robin. He's gonna kick your ass so hard.

Val Yor: As long as I can still smoke cigars I'm fine.

(Back at the prison camp, Robin endures torture from the likes of Russians and Vietnamese officers. Most of it being stuck in mud and pig poop with his hands tied above his head. That and an electroshock rack)

Russian General: You will now pay for your sins American. Because electroshocking you is fun. It makes you extra crispy and stuff.

Smoking Robin: I'm gonna kill you.

Russian General: Yeah sure you will. But like all bad guys I'm overly confident of my own abilities. Okay time to make a deal with your superiors and get them to pay us money to get you out, thus discouraging them from trying this again.

(Robin taken off torture device and given radio which contacts the Army base)

Val Yor over radio: Hey there Robin! How's it going? Tell me where you are and we can help you out! I mean you can't possibly believe I left you there to rot after calling the chopper back, Right?

Robin: Val Yor, I'm coming for you! (Takes Microphone for radio and hits his captors over the head with it. Than he practically punches his way out of the torture hut, grabbing the equipment he had on before his capture and runs into Blackfire) What are you doing here?

Blackfire: I came in here dressed as a whore and killed a guy and got his gun so I could save you!

Robin: Hey sweet whore outfit. I should get Star to try it on.

Blackfire: Come on, I know a way out!

(Blackfire and Robin shoot up everyone who tries to stop their escape and make it into a clearing)

Robin: We got away. No I just have to go back and kill my former captors.

Blackfire: Here take this bow and arrow set you gave me to look after before you got captured.

Robin: Great, now lets...

(Blackfire gets shot, Robin see shooters and guns them all down, Runs back to Blackfire)

Robin: Don't worry its only a flesh wound.

Blackfire: No I'm gonna die.

Robin: No, you'll make it.

Blackfire: Don't you understand I have to die!

Robin: Why?

Blackfire: So you can go crazy and win the battle on your own!

Robin: Oh.

Blackfire: Take my lucky prop necklace. And remember that I liked you sorta (dies)

Robin: NOOOOOOOOOOOO-ah okay time to go crazy and avenge her death.

(Ties a peice of Blackfire's red clothing onto his head as a bandana and prepares to go crazy and avenge her death)

GR: Star is going to kill him.

(Several awesome stealth kills later, including one where Robin becomes mud man and sneaks up from behind. Robin leads group of Russians and Vietnamese into a field of long grass by killing an innocent chicken and using its blood to make a fake blood trail that leads to kerosene jug. Robin lets them all get close and he set the place a flame. Than he fire and explosive arrow for dramatic overkill as everyone burns horribly)

Russian Soldier: Dear sweet god! It stings!

Sladebot with Coolie Hat: Skittles!

(Back with Russian General)

Russian General We must find the American!

(Bunch of rebel armoured car come out of nowhere and start shooting up the Russian's main camp to the tune of "Johnny Be Good." Every single Russian dies horribly! Than Red Star jumps out with all purpose assault rifle and blows up everyone else!)

Red Star: Die! DIE! This is for making me follow all your orders and making me eat your crappy sandwhiches!

(Russian General squeels like girl and runs away before he gets killed, Russian base completely destroyed. Red Star celebrates with hot rebel babes and beer.)

(Meanwhile Robin is caught in a gun battle against the Vietnamese prison camp commander. However, the camp commander is a sucky shot and Robin kills him with an explosive arrowhead!)

GR: I love overkill!

(A Russian Chopper flies over the waterfall behind Robin and tries to drop a bomb on him. Robin escapes and jumps into the water. The Russians then just shoot mindless at the water hoping to finish him off. But they get too close to the water and Rambo jumps out of water and kills the gunner. Than he jumps into the chopper. After a short brawl the Russian strong guy is thrown out of the chopper which is now several feet in the air since they started fighting. Pilot jumps out to his death as well because he's an idiot. Robin steals chopper and flies to the prison camp. He then proceeds to blow up everything! He then lands after practically every major building is in flames, grab the M60 gun that the Chopper's gunner is suppose to use and shoots his way through the remaining enemies. After that he frees all the prisoners and heads back to the chopper. The Russian soldier tries to stop him but he dies. The chopper takes off and heads back to the American Base. Than the Russian General comes in with his HIND super attack chopper and tries shoot him down. A spectacular chopper chase scene takes place. Soon Robin's Chopper takes too many hits and looks like its finished but he uses anothe rexplosion to land the chopper, play possum like he was shot and then when the HIND gets into position he fires at him with an RPG that was in the chopper and destroys the HIND. Super cool explosion! Russian General obviously dead)

GR: Just describing that scene is ridiculous enough. Maybe I should replace the missiles with exploding chickens in the editing room. That would be super awesome.

(Robin lands at American base and POWs recieve medical treatment)

Larry: Hey Robin! How'd it go?

(Robin punches Larry and goes into command center and shoots up all the computers Than he goes to confront Val Yor)

Val Yor: Hey, Robin. Look I'm sorry. But you know as well as I do that any still MIAs that are still alive and in captivity are dead by now. Besides it was all a part of my orders, I have to follow them

(Robin grabs Val Yor and sticks a knife next to his head)

Robin: Mission accomplished. Now I don't care if they are dead or not. At least find out what happened to them. And if you don't I'll come for you again.

(Robin goes out and meets Col. BB)

Col. BB: Well you managed to survive. What now?

Robin: I killed here, my friends died here, and a part of me died with them. So in lamens turns I'm back to being a brooding depressed ex-soldier.

Col. BB: Listen, Vietnam was wrong. Everyone realizes that. It was all just a big stupid game that in the end no one won. It shouldn't have happened and all that junk, but don't hate your country for it Robin. That's just doing what Billy Jack did and he's a pussy.

Robin: I don't hate my Country, I just want to be loved by thats all. I mean I came over here with the dream of defending my country and everyone makes it seem like I came over just to go around killing people mindlessly. I just want people to understand why the Army does its job. Not for the killing but for America.

Col. BB: You do realize that speech was sappy and clear cut.

Robin: Yes.

Col. BB: Okay, lets just say that United States military isn't run by a bunch of murdering whackos and that the people who volunteer aren't stupid children that need proctection but responsible and intelligent adults that know what they are doing.

Robin: Okay that works. Now excuse me I'm just gonna go off and brood.

Col. BB: See you for the sequel!

Robin: I guess.

GR: I'm not going to play that crappy song at the end of the movies for the credits forgbet it. Well that a wrap people. Now we just have to replace all those missiles with them exploding chickens and put in more sexy dancing babes intercut between sequences and we're good. We'll get that in editing.

Robin: I don't feel so good.

GR: Go lie down then.

Robin: I think it's the steroids!

(Robin bloats up his muscles to the size of cars so he can barely move. Robin is now just a big ball of muscles)

GR: SWEET JESUS CHERRIOS! What the hell is going on?

Robin: You asshole! You gave me those pills! I need to get to a hospital! God damnit I hate you!

(Crew of midgets singing "Oompa Loompa" roll Robin off of set)

GR: Well that was freaky.

BB: Can I keep the beret. It looks so cool.

GR: Whatever, I have personal bussiness to attend to.

Blackfire: Okay so do you have the reservations?

GR: All set.

BB: You two are dating?

GR: Hey, come on. She maybe evil, but she's hot! Give me a break. You don't see arguing about the fact you have the hots for a half demon.

BB: Huh?

Blackfire: He is so clueless.

GR: Indeed. Lets get out of here. After the movie we can go over to my place.

Blackfire: Sounds fun.

(GR and Blackfire leave)

BB: Why am I clueless?

(Raven comes up to him)

Raven: Hey nice Beret.

BB: Yeah ain't it sweet.

Sorry this took so long. Rambo is freaking hard to parody because its hard to take seriously at times. Sorry for the political messages in it. Just a little thing to mix up the action. Stay prepared for the next parody. And after that the grande finale as we go check out the Oscars!


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7: Dude! I'm the one! Excellent!**

Note: Who likes the Matix? Who likes to make fun of the Matrix? If you answered yourself to any of these questions read on. Not as long though, iuts just fillet for the finale.

* * *

"Hello everyone," Rage said to the readers "before we start today's parody and reveal the precisely who is starring in the major roles we have a small problem to deal with. the first of course is that the Matrix is not technically politcal. But it has an underlying demographic of counter-culture in it. You know, world is a lie, rage againist the machine, wear black, basically everything Negativeman believes in." 

Negativeman sat to the side whimpering

"Everything is a lie, even my life." He said sadly

"Sad, sad, lonely man." Rage acknowledged before turning back to the readers "Anyway, to make sure the Titans can handle doing a parody of this magnitude I have sent them all to take Matrix philosophy classes. Which, as we all know, are a complete and total waste of time. This is due to the fact that most philosphies connected to the Matrix are complete and total crap and have little relevance to one's life."

Cyborg burst in at this time in a rage

"I want five hours of my life back!" He demanded

"I warned you it was pointless didn't I." Rage reminded him

"I still want those five hours back!" Cyborg pressed

"Do I look like god to you?" General Rage asked

"You have a cult of followers." Cyborg said pointing to a group of praying white robed monks nearby

"Praise be to our lord the General." They chanted

"Not now!" Rage said as he closed the curtains to keep them out of sight and turned back to Cyborg "Anyway Cy, we have more important matters than you lost time to attend to."

"What do you mean?" Cyborg asked

"Robin is still in the hospital" Rage explained "and Starfire won't go on as Trinity unless he is Neo. We basically have two open spots."

"So what do we do?" Cyborg asked

"We must consult the mystical orb of parody!" Rage announced

"The what?" Cyborg asked confused

"The mytical orb of parody!" Rage repeated before placin a small glowing orb on the table in front of them

"The orb," Rage explained "is the main knowledge source for all parodies. To not heed its wisdom is to doom your franchise. That's what happened to the Scary Movie series."

"So," Cyborg began to ask "this orb will tell us who to cast as Neo and Trinity?"

"Correct my metalic friend." Rage acknowledged as he began to wave his hand over the orb. "Oh great and mystical orb of parody," he chanted "tell us who is to play the part of Neo and Trinity?" Then Rage stopped waving

"Well?" Cyborg asked confused

"It says we should cast the next man and woman to come through that door." Rage told him

Cyborg was surprised by the answer

"Thats awfully specific."

"The orb doesn't beat around the bush," Rage explained "its always straight to the point."

Just then Beastboy entered through the specified door

"Hey guys," said Beastboy "we're out of Tofu. I think Silkie got to it. Do you know where I could find a place that sells the stuff around here?"

Rage's eyes went wide

"Beastboy have I got a proposition for you." He as said as he placed an arm arounf Beastboy "How would you like to play Neo in the Matrix parody?"

"I thought that was Robin's part." Beastboy stated

"Not anymore," Rage said handing him the script "here take the script and go study your lines" and with that he pushed BB off the stage

"So that solves one problem." Cyborg acknowledged

Then Raven entered through specified door talking on cell phone

"Yeah, can you move the poetry reading up to next week?...I can't make it...Rage is making me do another one of his parodies...yeah I know they're pointless...I'll seeya another time then...bye Dan." She then hanged up

"Raven have I got a part for you," Rage said placing an arm around her "how would you like to play as Trinity in the Matix parody?"

"I though that part was Star's." Raven stated

"Robin is still recovering from the Steroid thing." Rage explained "She won't go on without him."

"Okay, I guess I could be Trinity." Raven accepted "Who is Neo then?"

Beastboy suddenly returned

"You know what," He said "I think I can do this. I mean I'm basically playing a character done by Keaneu Reeves and all he keeps saying is dude."

"HIM!" Raven shouted in shock

"Yes, him." Rage told her

"Oh my freaking god!" Raven said feeling like she would faint

"Why is she freaking?" Beastboy asked

"She's Trinity." Rage told him

"She is!"

"Yes." Rage repeated rather annoyed

Raven and BB looked awkwardly at each other for awhile.

Beastboy tired to make the first move

"So uh..."

"You know what?" Raven interupted "Fine! I don't care! As long as it means I have one less film to go through till the finale I'll do it! I don't care if I have several romantic scenes with him! I'm going to my room. I need to practice! No one comes in!"

And she stomped off the set

"Romantic scenes?" Beastboy asked in shock

"She gets real close to your ear and whispers in it once or twice I think." Rage told him

Beastboy suddenly felt hot under the collar

"I need a cold shower." the green Titan worried

"Oh don't start acting that way you big baby." Rage said realising what was happening here "I'd pay money to be in that position." Just the a Dark-matter encased garbage can lid hit General Rage in the face

"I AM NOT A WHORE!" Raven shouted in anger

"Damn she's touchy." Rage stated "Places everyone, we have a parody to shoot."

"So what else are me and Raven gonna do?" Beastboy asked

"You didn't watch the second film did you?" Rage asked back

"Whats in the second film?" Beastboy asked once more

"Nothing." Rage said rather slyly

"It isn't a..." Then Beastboy realised "oh my god it is!"

"This thing is rated T for teen Beastboy." Rage assured

"Shower! Cold shower!" Beastboy said running off

"Freak." Rage said to himself

* * *

(Opening bunch of police cars outside a Hello Kitty factory)

Policeman: Why are we chasing this girl again?

Captain: She's a hacker.

Policeman: Then why is she here precisely?

Captain: I have no idea.

(Swat team members fall out the windows)

Swat guy: Applesauce! (Splats on ground)

(Girl they are chasing jumps out the window and soars like twenty feet before landing with a thud near a phone booth)

Captain: Well that was freaky.

(Girl, who is Raven, tries calling the phone)

Raven: Operator get me outta here.

Phone: The number you have dialed is no longer in service, please try again.

Raven: Oh son of a...! (Dials again)

Phone: Hello, you have reached the operator's emergency hotline. If you need guns, please, press one. If you have questions about the nature of the matrix please press two. If you are being attacked by agents and are being murdered please stay on the line. If you wish for a light cycle, you're in the wrong film about computers. If you wish to get the hell outta there just scream like a mad man.

Raven: GET ME OUTTA HERE YOU STUPID PIECE OF CRAP!

Phone: Your request is not being registered, would you like to be transfered to an actual human? If so press one now. If you'd like to choose who to be transfered to, press two now. If you'd just like to teleported back to the real world, press three now.

(Raven presses three a million times because shes pissed and escapes the matrix)

(Later at BB's working place, BB's sleeping at his desk and getting poked with a stick by his co-worker)

BB's co-worker: Hey, dude. Wake up dude. Dude.

BB: (Wakes up suddenly) Huh! What? I'm awake!

Co-Worker: Your computer keeps ringing about how you got mail. Answer it so I can continue goofing off with my game of solitaire.

BB: Oh sorry. (Answers e-mail as the co-worker leaves)

Email reads: Beastboy, go to the back alley and meet a hot sexy leather clad babe. Free pancakes.

BB: Dude. I'm gonna score. And get Pancakes! Excellent! (Air gituar)

(Beastboy rushes outside and meets Cyborg)

BB: Hey you ain't hot babe! And where's my pancakes?

Cyborg: Listen this film's opening is real slow and we need to speed it along. Here's the deal, just bend over and touch that broken piece of a mirror and I'll show you something.

BB: I don't do that kinda thing.

Cyborg: It isn't that kinda thing! Look, do you ever feel like everything in your world is a lie?

BB: No, I feel like the next video game doesn't come out fast enough.

Cyborg: What if I told that the world was just one giant video game?

BB: That would be so cool.

Cyborg: Argh, look just touch that damn broken mirror!

BB: Okay fine. (touches mirror and his hand merges with for a second before he pulls it back out) What the hell was that?

Cyborg: A bluescreen.

BB: No what was the thing that made my hand merge with the mirror thing!

Cyborg: Oh that was a system glitch, they're everywhere. People just don't know it. Come to this bar tonight and a hot babe in leather will lead you up to my apartment where everything shall be properly explained.

BB: Will there be panckes?

Cyborg: Yes, there will be pancakes.

BB: WOHOO!

(Later at the bar place, BB meet Raven)

BB: Oh, hi. Uh, you must be the uh...hot babe in leather...uh...yeah.

Raven: Just call me Raven and stop stuttering.

BB: Rage! I need an adult!

GR: Grow up for the love of god!

(Raven embraces BB and starts whispering in his ear)

Raven: Cherish this moment, because we ain't doing a second shot.

BB: My pants feel tight.

Raven: (Releases him) Let's try to keep this within the rating. Come on, I'll show you upstairs.

(Later upstairs)

Raven: Now, when you see him, remember. He knows a lot. A lot a lot!

BB: Like Santa? Or a stalker? Or the guy who spies on me from the next cubicle over?

Raven: Yeah, sure, whatever.

(BB enters room)

Cyborg: Hello Beastboy, I am Morph-borg.

BB: Huh?

Morph-borg: Yeah, I know, its stupid. Anyway sit down. (BB sit down) I know why you're here. You feel as if something is wrong in the world, right?

BB: Yeah, Hilary Clinton wants to take GTA off the shelf. She's such a square loser.

Morph-borg: No, listen. You are pretty much like Alice. From that storybook.

BB: The Disney film?

Morphporg: Yes, fine the Disney film.

BB: Does that make you the caterpillar? Cause you look like you smoke a lot.

Morph-borg: No, I don't own a hooka.

BB: Well you can't be the Whit Rabbit. You're black.

Morphporg: Whatever, don't you wanna know about the matrix?

BB: What's that?

Morph-borg: I can't say.

BB: Why?

Morph-borg: I just can't.

BB: Why?

Morph-borg: I just can't.

BB: Why?

Morph-borg: I just can't.

BB: Why?

Morph-borg: I just can't.

BB: Why?

Morph-borg: I just can't.

BB: Why?

Morph-borg: I just can't.

BB: Why?

Morph-borg: Because I can't okay! Geez! Take a hint! Look, here in my hand I hold two pills. A red pill and a blue pill.

BB: You sure you ain't the caterpillar in this story?

Morph-borg: Oh god. Listen, I'm trying to help you realize your destiny here! The blue will make you wake up in your drab drealy bedroom and you probably have a sucky life. The red pill will show you how deep the rabbit hole goes.

BB: Do you have any green pills?

Morph-borg: No. I don't have any green pills.

BB: Well, okay.

Morph-borg: Remember I'm just trying to offer you reality. (BB goes for the blue pill) The Red pill is candy. (BB takes the Red pill and starts foaming at the mouth) Whoops, I took out the wrong pills. (BB snaps back out of it)

BB: Whoa what was that?

Morph-Borg: Aw screw this! (Takes a pipe and hits BB on the head)

(BB wakes up in a metal chair)

Morph-borg: There see, the world is all crap and stuff and I saved you from crappy exisitence in a crappy digital reality.

BB: Like Tron?

Morph-borg: No not like Tron. Here, let me explain in this cool training program.

(Training Program room)

BB: Damn its white in here.

Morph-borg: Yes it is. You see we've been fighting a evil race of evil machines and are trying to stop them from enslaving humanity.

BB: Like Terminator?

Morph-Borg: No, this is way cooler. The robots just want turn us into Energizer batteries to power themselves and they use the Matrix, a digital reality to keep us subservient. This is pretty much a metphor for what whiny counter-culturists believe in.

BB: Why didn't you just tell me this?

Morph-Borg: You needed to expierence it for yourself.

BB: Well hell, my hand went through a damn mirror I would have believed anything you said!

Morph-borg: Yeah well its more dramatic this way.

BB: So when do I get some cool guns?

Morph-borg: Okay fine, load the guns!

(Gun racks come out flying of nowhere and knock BB down to the ground)

BB: OW!

Morph-borg: Whoops, sorry.

BB: So why am I here anyway? Why'd you zap me out of the video game?

Morph-Borg: We think you are the one.

BB: What's that?

Morph-Borg: Its kinda like the messiah.

BB: Dude! I'm the son of god! Excellent! (Air gituar)

Morph-borg: No you're not the son of god, okay! You're someone who is supposedly going to save us all!

BB: Oh okay, that's not so bad.

(Later BB learns how to manipulate the Matrix by just realizing everything is a fraud)

Melvin: Do not try to bend the spoon, that is impossible. Only try to visualise the truth.

BB: What's that?

Melvin: There is no spoon.

BB: There is no spoon? But there is one in front of me.

Melvin: It's not real.

BB: Oh. (Focuses on the spoon)

Melvin: Then you realize its not the spoon that bends, it is yourself.

(BB keeps looking on at the spoon and looks like he is going to explode)

Melvin: Constipation?

BB: Just...give me...a...moment. (face cracks)

Melvin: You know you can just try again later.

(BB lets loose a huge fart that levels half the room)

BB: Whoops.

Melvin: Knew it.

(Then BB meets his adversary, Slade as Agent Wilson)

Agent Wilson: Hello there Mister Logan, I am Agent Wilson.

BB: Oh hi.

Agent Wilson: That's a nice suit Mister Logan, you wouldn't want to get it wet. (Pulls out super soakers)

BB: Oh snap!

(Water bullet time, where we see BB duck the streams of water and run away. Wilson follows but soon grows tired and dies)

(Later back at Zion)

Morph-Borg: Zion! Hear me! The machinces are coming with their armies! There is only way we can defeat them! By dancing like idiots!

(Craptacular rave scene follows, with poor dancing and bad posers all around)

(Meanwhile with BB and Raven)

BB: This technically what everyone is waiting for.

Raven: The orginal was crappy and unsexy.

BB: So we aren't parodying it?

Raven: No.

BB: Oh thank god. I don't know if I could do this. I mean its like taking advantage of you and I don't wanna do this kinda thing until I'm ready and I'm not ready and I don't want to do it until you're ready and...

(Raven tackles and kisses full on the mouth in an obessesive make out session and then leaves)

BB: Cold shower! Cold Shower! (Runs off)

GR: What was that?

Raven: It was the only way to shut him up.

GR: You enjoyed didn't you?

Raven: Maybe. But you aren't getting anything outta me.

(A million Wilsons take on BB in a fist fight but they get their asses kicked by BB's rubber chicken and giant frying pan and giant candy cane, then theres is this stupid chateau fight with a french loser played by Le Blanc but he and his minons suck because all they fight with are giant frogs leg and cheese. Then people die in a chase scene)

BB: Say why do the Agents take over people's bodies why can't they just zap themeselves into place? Doesn't that make more sense?

GR: Who cares. We can't parody fight scenes. We need to edit in funny props. Like Pies and wiener strings and boxing gloves. I just wanna get on to the next perfect comedy gold mine.

(Car chase scene is rather forgetable as several car and trucks just explode and silly string spills out of everywhere. Also there are pies all over the road and several innocent clowns get run over. They shout, "The Tragedy! The Tragedy" but no one cares. Then fianlly we meet the architect)

BB: Hey cool we just did a sum up in five seconds.

(Chair turns around to reveal the Architect. Who is dressed like the Colonel)

Architect: Helloe there, the one.

BB: Who are you?

Architect: I am the Architect, I created the Matrix.

BB: You sure you ain't the Colonel?

Architect: No I'm not.

BB: No I swear you look like the guy on the KFC sign.

Architect: I created the Matrix not, not a fast food franchise.

BB: You still look stupid.

Architect: I don't care, this outfit is just how it is. Listen you aren't the first "the one", the prophecy is just a stupid lie to get you people to come here and replace the Matrix with a new version. Eventually everything returns to the way it was and we repeat this process over and over again. No remembers because everyone convieniently forgets.

BB: Huh?

Architect: (Sighs) Vizer vie, concordiently, ergo, zip zap, paddy whack give a dog a bone, mustard face, the worms crawl in, the worms crawl out, the worms play penuckle on your snout, these days are all happy days, going down to South Park gonna have my self a time, bow-chikka bow wow. Use the force Luke. I like chicken pot pie.

BB: Wow, that makes things clearer.

Architect: Yeah, to you and everyone not in the audience.

BB: Wait, you mean there isn't like a second Matrix within a Matrix?

Architect: No, but it would explain a lot more than the original ending did. Anyway, like that pill you face another choice. Your friend Raven is gonna die unless you jump out that door and save her. Or you go through that door and save mankind before Zion is burnt to the ground and we start this process again. Either way, you suck hard.

BB: Well, lets see. Girlfriend, humanity, girlfriend, humanity. Well humanity can't offer me sex.

Architect: You are so whipped.

BB: At least I'm getting some. (Goes through door)

Architect: Well I just got burned.

(Later BB meet the giant evil master machine that looks like a giant rubber duck, it hates him and tells him to go screw himself. But BB foes to the Matrix instead and beats up Agent Wilson who is super cocky and they all explode! There's a rainbow and crap but no one cares)

GR: To the death of the Wachoski Brother's credibility. May its passing be mourned forever. (Sips wine glass)

BB: Raven and me made-out.

GR: Pft, so what! I spent a night with blackfire remember. She was so ensatiable!

BB: Stop that! The mental picture is just wrong!

GR: Whatever. I'm just glad this one is over. Now onto the unltimate grand finale! THE OSCARS! Prepare yourselves Titans, for we are about to parody the biggest liberal self indulgent turd fests no one watched! Quick get those cowboy hats out! This is gonna be the greatest send off in Parody history!

Cyborg: Who is in the Brokeback Parody?

GR: You'll just have to wait and see my friend. That one is goning to rock harder than anything! Now to prepare for the finale! Blackfire get ready on the message table, we'll take turns.

Raven: That man is a freak.

BB: Their relationship is all based on lust you know.

Raven: So you aren't totally clueless are you?

BB: Why do people keep saying that?

Raven: Whatever, jsut try not to embarass me on the red carpet.

BB: Huh?

Raven: You're picking me up in the limo right?

BB: Huh?

Raven: Beastboy, we agreed that you'd take me if I couldn't find anyone.

BB: I did?

Raven: Yes, it happened last nigh when you cracked your back and you asked me to rub it. You were so entranced you actually said yes to everything I asked.

BB: Then why'd you ask me to be your chaperone for the Oscar finale?

Raven: Because... Oh figure it out yourself! (Storms off)

BB: Cy, am I clueless?

Cyborg: Yes, yes you most certainly are.

* * *

What will happen at the Oscars? How will the Titans survive the liberal smugness of the event? Will anyone actually watch? Who cares we'll do it anyway. 


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8: Liberal Smugness out the Wazoo! **

**(AKA: Oscars Night)**

(Mann's Chinese Theatre, really, really late, with a really big crowd)

(General Rage's limo pulls up and both he and Blackfire step out)

GR: Welcome to the Oscars Blackfire.

Blackfire: Tell me, are all these people here to take my picture alongside you?

GR: Yes that's the whole point of the Red carpet, to make celebrities feel like gods!

Blackfire: I like this.

GR: Hey look its Tom Cruise!

Cruise: Psychology is psuedo-science. Join my cult.

GR: Watch this Blackfire, Hey Tom! (Cruise looks over at GR) Hail XENU!

(Cruise goes up to him)

Cruise: Why would you do that? You're a jerk.

GR: Scientology ain't even a real religion dude.

Cruise: You're a jerk!

GR: I can live with that. Blackfire do you care if I'm a jerk?

Blackfire: Of course not sweetie.

GR: At least if I ever make her pregnant, I'll "be" the actual father!

Cruise: If you don't like my religion and follow it, you can go F--k yourself!

GR: All hail Xenu!

Blackfire: Xenu bless America!

(Tom Cruise's head explodes)

Katie Holmes: I'm free! (Runs away from bodyguards)

GR: We are so sued.

(Starfire & Robin's limo arrives)

Starfire: Oh Robin is this night not glourious!

Robin: At least my condition healed up. OW! Random Muscle cramp! (Falls face down on carpet) I'm okay!

(After Star helps him up, that annoying lady with all the botox on her comes up to them)

Botox lady: Oh my god. Star and Robin, such a chance seeing you here. So what are you guys wearing.

Starfire: I am wearing traditional Tamaranian formal dress wear. For these occasions are the only times they are apporiate to wear.

Robin: I'm wearing a tux. I hate it. It's itchy.

Botox lady: Oh well it suits you fine to me. He He Ha. So what do you think of the nominees?

Starfire: In truth me and my friends have not seen any of these movies.

Robin: I don't think anyone did.

Botox lady: Kinda like my career. He He Ha. I used host saturday night live.

Robin: Hey, your microphone isn't plugged in. And you don't even have a camera crew. Are you even on tv?

Botox lady: In my mind (Trudges off sobbing)

(Cyborg arrives with several hot babes because no one can decide whether Jynx or bumblebee or Sarasim should nab him and we don't wanna pick sides.)

Cyborg: I'm getting some tonitght!

Girls: No you aren't.

(Cyborg feels disapointed)

(BB and Rae arrive in a super stretch limo)

BB: I make this outfit work.

Raven: It's a tux Beastboy.

BB: Yeah, and a super cool one I saw when I watched the Godfather. You're black dress suits you.

Raven: Anything else and I would have refused to come.

That Goth kid from 'Sisters' who likes showtunes: Hey Rae! Rae! Remember me! Do you like showtunes! Remember!

BB: Do you know that guy?

Raven: He's just some random kid that no one knows or cares about. He was really only in one episode and we never spoke again. The fact he likes showtunes really screwed his chances. He does these kinda things hoping to get my attention. It's rather sad.

(Security officers pull Goth out of crowd and onto the street where he moans about how much his life sucks until a car runs him over. He lives though, no one cares though.)

(Starfire sees Blackfire with GR)

Starfire: Sister! It is glourious to see you! How has your years in exile treated you?

Blackfire: Oh shut up okay.

GR: Now, now Black honey, what did I tell you about dissing my actors?

Blackfire: You told me it wasn't allowed. But she freaking deserves it! I mean everyone likes her but they all hate me! Just because I took over Tamaran and ruled it with an iron fist for a few days! It's not fair! (Starts to sob)

GR: Aw, don't get upset now! Who is my sex kitten?

Blackfire: I am.

GR: Who is your General?

Blackfire: You are.

GR: Who loves you?

Blackfire: You do.

GR: That's right.(GR and Blackfire have hot makeout session on the Red Carpet, GR pulls away for two seconds to scream at the Titans) Don't stand there gawking, like you've never seen a person make out before! (Continues kissing Blackfire)

BB: Okay I'm going inside and away from this.

Raven: Me too

Cyborg: Me three.

Robin: Me Fourth.

Starfire: Why does Friend Rage smother my sister like that? (Robin explains the situation into her ear) They did the 'what' in the 'where' now?

(Later inside the Oscar award ceremony)

George Clooney: I accept this oscar for everyone here. You know we're a little ahead of the curve here in Hollywood. We talked about aids before most people in country. We pretty much led the whole civil rights movement and we've always stood up to big government before anyone else did. (Farts and quickly bends down to smell it) Anyway its great that at least some one honours us here in super smart Hollywood, unlike the rest of trashy backwards America. I mean we're pretty brave to put out such controversial movies that weren't seen only because America is too ignorant and backward to actually care about the message. Us here in Hollywood are much more progressive. (Farts again and bends down to smell it) So here's to Hollwood and me, George Clooney, sexiest man alive! (Huge fart that results in everyone holding their nose whilst George Clooney takes it all in. George Clooney steps off the stage)

Raven: Well that was shameless self promotion.

Robin: Can't breathe! Too much smug self gratificated gas! (GR puts gas mask over Robin's face) Thanks man.

GR: Don't mention it.

Oscar host: And now, political Parodist, General Rage will show his spoofs on the nominees tonight. Can Rage please come up here. Oh there he is.

(Walking music rings up as GR and Blackfire get on stage)

GR: Well folks I never thought I'd see the day when I get to look down upon you are. Oh I see Tom Cruise got his back together. HAIL XENU! (Cruise's head explodes again) Anyway, these Parodies, like the films they are based on, have never been watched before. We did them way before we got the invite to this show, but we thought we should share them with you just to see how'd you like them.

Blackfire: Our first Parody is the Oscar award winner for best actor, Syrianna.

GR: The Oscar that our dear friend George "smells his own farts" Clooney.

(George Clooney bends over to smell his farts)

Blackfire: The man likes himself too much.

GR: I know, its sickening.

Raven: (To BB) Almost as sickening as their relationship.

BB: Its really hard to top a celeberity's smuggness, but Rage and Blackfire come close.

GR: So enjoy the first parody! Roll it!

(Screen behind them displays the classic number countdown till picture start that no one uses anymore.)

(Billy Numerous swipes his card at the Gas Station terminal.)

Machine: Your name matches, Terrorist watch list.

Billy: Huh? What's it talking about?

(Two Sladebots come up from behind and place Billy in a burlap sack and drag him off. Billy wakes up in a dark room tied to a chair. Robin is nearby smoking a cigarette with a lighter in hand. He kneels down to Billy's level)

Robin: Is it safe?

Billy: Huh?

Robin: Is it safe?

Billy: What do you mean?

Robin: Is. It. Safe?

Billy: Look I have no idea what you're talking about.

Robin: (puts arm around Billy's shoulder) Is it safe?

Billy: I'm just a guy who was pumping gas.

Robin: (Puts head on Billy's chest) Is it safe?

Billy: I don't get it!

Robin: (Grabs Billy's cheeks) IS IT SAFE!

Billy: Yeah! Yeah! Its safe.

Robin: (Releases him) Teach him.

(Mammoth punches Billy for several hours)

(Later Billy is all bloodied)

Robin: I am a patient man!

Billy: Call the Hive Academy, they'll tell you who I am.

Robin: Ho ho, your friends can't save you now. Make no mistake, you will die here, Gonchavez Del Montecristo!

Billy: Who?

(Mammoth continues to punch him, while up front BB serves Newfu burger to everyone)

BB: So you wanted a number 1 right?

(Billy's screaming heard in the back)

Customer: What was that?

BB: Oh we like to have our meat fresh you know, its probably just a cow.

Customer: Sounded like a guy.

BB: Oh pay no attention, its better live your life in blissful ignorance. Is this place a front for a torture chamber? We don't know and I don't care! As long as I get paid and you get food.

Customer: Okay, just get me soda with that then.

(Later Billy is woken up with water splashing all over him. After his vision adjusts he sees Brother Blood in front of him)

Billy: Head master!

(Bro. Blood nods to Robin who pulls out a gun and points it to Billy's head)

Billy: NO! NO! NO! NO! NOOO!

(Gun goes off and reveals a bang flag, Billy is confused, back of dark set opens to reveal a big party hall)

Host: Congratulations Billy Numerous! You just participated in the darkest parody ever!

(Dancing girls throw confetti everywhere and people shout darkest parody over and over again)

Billy: I hate you guys.

(Screen goes blank and we're back to the main oscar stage)

GR: Wow, that was black comedy out the wazoo.

Blackfire: I liked the tension build up at the end.

GR: Yeah, that was super cool.

Blackfire: Anyway, the Oscar award winner for best picture "Crash" is up next.

GR: Its not exactly the same though.

(Screen goes back on)

(Big couch in the Titans Tower where all the Black Characters of the TT series are having a LAN party and playing "Burnout" for the XBOX)

Cyborg: (Rams See-More into wall) I wrecked you sucka!

See-More: Cheap! That was cheap!

Hotspot: Yeah, eat it that Herald! I killed you and your aunt and your uncle and you mother and your whole family!

Herald: Oh yeah! PAYBACK! (Intiates crashbreaker)

Hotspot: Dude no fair! You can't do that!

Herald: I just did bitch!

(Herald and Hotspot start fighting each other)

Cyborg: Aw man See-More I wreck you again! While you in mid air! Thats killer!

See-More: I'll get you! You know I will! Just turn around this curve and (Smacks into bus) Damnit!

Cyborg: HA! You suck hard at this!

(Hotspot and Herald's Cars get wrecked by Bumblebee as she speeds down the track.)

Hotspot: See what you did you idiot!

Herald: ME? You just naturally suck!

(Hotspot grabs Herald's controller and smacks him across the head with it)

Hotspot: Who sucks now!

Cyborg: See-More give it up you can't kick my ass!

See-More: Oh yeah, well how about this then! (Smack another car right into Cy and causes him to crash)

Cyborg: Aw man! That's just weak dude!

(Hotspot, Herald, See-More and Cyborg all lined up perfectly for the finish line when Bee hits one of them off course causing a chain reaction that makes them all crash into each other and a bus and several trucks! Bee wins race)

Bumblebee: Aw yeah! Give it up for the black girl! Eat my dust suckas.

See-More: You made me lose!

Cyobrg: ME? You weren't watching the road!

Hotspot: No fair! I had the most takedowns!

Herald: You had the most crashes idiot!

Hotspot: F--- you ass hole!

Val Yor: I just don't like black people.

(Everyone pulls out their gats and guns Val Yor down. Screen turns off)

GR: Well that was freaky huh?

Blackfire: Sounds just like the losers on Xbox live to me.

GR: I wasn't interested in the movie, so I made my own. There weren't enough crashes in the original. But he had the same basic themes, sorta.

Blackfire: The winner of the best Actress oscar is next. "The Constant Gardner!"

GR: Roll it!

(Screen turns back on)

(Opening scene shows the majestic plains of Africa, which is interuppted the patch of farm land that looks like it's growing tulips, carrots and tomatoes. BB is watering the plant)

BB: Ah, yeah this is the life.

(Raven walks up to him)

Raven: Your garden is beautiful Beastboy. How do you get it like that?

BB: Oh I use the dead bodies of victims of genocide as fertilizer.

(Raven just looks at him wide eyed and the film ends)

Ray Fiennes: I forgive you, for not seeing this film. I pardon you.

GR: We we're going to parody the movie "The New World."

Blackfire: But it was just a picture of a tree for several hours. Because plots get in the way of the art.

GR: So we did something else instead.

Blackfire: Here's a short parody of "Munich"

(Kick ass action scene follows on screen as Speedy, Robin, Beastboy, Cyborg and Red X start acting out a bunch of extremely cool gun battles with Arabic terrorists)

Robin: That's for the Olymipic Eleven!

BB: Eat lead!

Cyborg: Booya!

Red X: Explosion time! (Blows up terrorist)

Speedy: Taste my arrows! Say hi to Allah!

(Gun battles stop)

Robin: I feel so conflcted. Did we do the right thing?

BB: I don't know. But I didn't enjoy it.

Cyborg: It had to be done. But I feel as if we lost our humanity.

Speedy: Why is this world so violent and cruel.

Red X: Guys. Snap out of it, they were terrorists and they weren't asking themselves the same questions after they killed the athletes. They don't care, they're sadistic asses.

Robin: Oh, nevermind then.

BB: Yeah, lets get Pizza.

Cyborg: Yeah I'm hungry.

Speedy: Yeah, that took a lot out of me.

(Film ends)

GR: Now that film wasn't so bad. But it still was stupid sometimes.

Blackfire: Here's the Capote parody.

(Screen goes back on but all it shows is several scenes from the original with the song from "Team America" 'Everyone has Aids' playing in the background.)

GR: We are so gonna get flamed for this!

Blackfire: We apologize for that, it was wrong and shameful.

GR: I blame Val Yor! Get him! (Several crazy liberal chase Val Yor from the building) Whoa, close one there honey.

Blackfire: Got that right. Here's Memoirs of Geisha, aka the porno film that made it to the Oscars!

(This part of the film is censored, please scroll down several sections)

-

-

-

-We're serious, it would push the rating up

-

-

-

GR: Whoa that was some hot sexy Japanese Magna action. It makes me want to do things to Blackfire when we get back to my room.

Blackfire: Try out the last position first, it looked sweet.

GR: Yeah, it did didn't it?

Blackfire: And now the final Film, Brokeback Mountain!

GR: Which is basically one big joke in its self, but who cares. Roll the film!

(Screen opening shows Aqualad and Speedy in cowboy attire on a mountain ridge)

Aqualad: Nice view huh?

Speedy: Yep.

Aqualad: Makes you want to love people huh?

Speedy: I guess.

Aqualad: Makes you want to accept certain feelings for certain people.

Speedy: Huh?

Aqualad: Makes you wantg to tell people real big secrets about their closed lives huh?

Speedy: Dude, what the F---?

Aqualad: I'm sorry I just need someone to...

Speedy: Dude get away from me!

Aqualad: But...

Speedy: You're a sick little bastard! I'm not attracted to you! No one is! Raven only got all heart eyed because the producers made OOC for that episode! Get the F--- away from me!

Aqualad: You don't care about my feelings! (Runs off sobbing and hides in the Titan's East Closet)

Speedy: God I wish he knew how to quit me.

BB: I wish I knew how to quit you Tofu bar.

Cyborg: I wish I knew how to quit you T-Car.

Robin: I wish I knew how to quit you investigative obessesion for finding where Slade is.

Control Freak: I wish I knew how to quit you TV.

Kid Flash: I wish I knew how to quit you slow moving way of life.

Billy Numerous: I wish I knew how to quit you Billy.

See-More: I wish I knew how to quit you obvious stereotypical token black guy additude.

Mammoth: I wish I knew how to quit you unhealty eating habits.

Gizmo: I wish I knew how to quit you cruddy two year old computer.

Kyd Wykkyd: (Says nothing but secretly wishes he knew how to quit being mute)

Slade: I wish I knew how to quit you strange pedophilliac personality.

Mousieur Mallah: I wish I knew how to quit you master.

The Brain: _Me as well Mallah_.

Speedy: What the F---?

Reporter: We have news that Aqualad has locked himself in the closet and refuses to come out. Here with more is R. Kelley.

R. Kelley: _I was just standing here, _

_and then Aqualad locked himself in the closet._

_I asked why Aqualad locked himself in the closet! _

_But nobody has no answers. _

_So I pull out my gun!_

(Everyone runs away)

_Someone better tell me why Aqualad's in the closet or I'm gonna shoot someone!_

(Bumblebee knocks on Aqualad's closet door)

Bumblebee: Aqualad, its me Bee.

AL: Hey Bee.

Bee: Aqua, you need to come out of the closet.

AL: I'm not in the closet.

Bee: Yes you are Aqua. Everyone here just wants you to come out and stop hiding from the fact that you are in the closet.

AL: But I'm not in the closet.

Bee: I'm not going to think differently of you Aqua, Aquaman is going to think differently of you, Daulphin isn't going to think differently of you. So what if Speedy called you unattractive, it doesn't mean anything. Just come out of the Closet.

AL: But I'm not in here.

Bee: Then how am I talking to you Aqua? How am I talking to you?

(Later...)

Aquaman: Hey Garth, its me Aquaman.

Aqualad: Oh, hey man.

Aquaman: Listen man, you need to come out of the closet. You just can't stay in there forever you know.

Aqualad: Sure I can.

Aquaman: I wanted to do the same thing when they changed my outfit to that shirtless, golden mullet guy with a hook for a hand. But it isn't going to change anything that's already happened. Just come out of the closet and we can talk about this.

Aqualad: I don't wanna.

Aquaman: Then can you at least let me come with you?

Aqualad: No tricks?

Aquaman: No tricks.

Aqualad: Okay.

(Aqualad opens door and Aquaman enters)

(Later...)

Reporter: We have reports that both Aquaman and Aqualad are in the closet and are refusing to come out! Here with more is R. Kelley.

R. Kelley: _Well I was just standing here, Aqualad locked himself in the closet._

_Now Aquaman has locked himself in the closet too._

_Please Aquaman and Aqualad come outta the closet!_

_I'm Calm my self down now... and pull out my gun!_

(Everyone runs away again)

Reporter: Not the gun again!

R. Kelley: (Grabs innocent woman) _Aquaman and Aqualad better get out of the closet or else I'm gonna cap this bitch!_

(Later, back at the closet)

R. Kelley: _Well I've been asked to come up here and get you outta the closet._

_Man this some crazy s--t why won't you just come outta the closet and they said..._

Aquaman & Aqualad: _We aren't coming out of the closet, so you can just go away._

R. Kelley: _But everyone wants out the closet._

Aquaman & Aqualad: _That doesn't matter cause we're gonna stay._

R. Kelley: _Now I'm starting to get angry, so I pull out my gun!_

(Everyone in the hallway runs away)

R. _Kelley: You have the count of three to open this closet door!_

_One! I'm gonna shoot you both!_

_Two! I'm gonna cap a bitch!_

_Three..._

(Closet door opens and R. Kelley steps inside caustiously. Closet door closes behind him)

R. Kelley: _Now I'm in the closet. Now I'm in the closet too! Oh yeah._

(Later Aqualad, Aquaman and R. Kelley come outta the closet. Aqualad confronts Speedy)

Speedy: So you over the fact that your poor sidekick and annoying pretty boy everyone thinks is gay?

Aqualad: Yeah I guess I am.

Speedy: Good, I'm gonna leave you to yourself now. This whole movie at least makes gays seem normal though, instead of the naked crazies seen on "Gay Pride day." Still there really is no audience for it, except actual gay people and everyone knows how small a market they are.

(Screen goes blank)

GR: Well that took awhile longer then the others.

Blackfire: I still don't understand why people would think this movie would get a bigger audience other then gay people.

GR: We're not doing "Good Night and Good Luck" at all because Dan Rather pretty much screwed up the whole honesty thing for CBS. Trying to sell it off as a network with integrity is impossible now.

Dan Rather: I'm Dan Rather and I approved this message. Sorta, kinda, not really.

GR: Anyway, onto our closing statement. You people in Hollywood are all smug little pricks! You call these movies controversial? Hell, maybe 40 years ago! But now people are more accepting of blacks, aids, gays, women, nature and practically everything you idiots keep pushing! You're the norm! You're as much the norm as the conservatives now! No one saw these fiilms because no one wanted to! You know why? Because they were boring! We keep hearing you idiots whine and complain about society and the way things are run so much it gets so boring! You want controversial, try a British film about gay people that was done in Britian when Homosexuality was illegal! Now putting out that film took guts! That took balls! Brokeback Mountain... ITS A JOKE! A big fat running joke! You know how many 'I wish I knew how to quit you' jokes there are? Millions! America has accepted homosexuality as norm, so they don't care! And Syrianna, what proof do you have of abuse in Gutanamo? A bunch of F---s from a UN human rights council that has half of its members coming from dictatorships like Cuba and China and Saudi Arabia? Does the words "Sudan Genocide" ring a bell? How come the great and powerful UN hasn't done anything? Because they're all busy body lazy ass F---s who don't do anything! You liberals aren't controversial! You're smug! You're all smug little asses who think that they're the only ones in the world who are right! Well you know what f--- you! (Holds up middle finger) The only people who are controversial are people like me who attack both sides of the political debate! So the rest of you wannabes can go f--- ya selves!

Blackfire: Oh, General. Your firey temper and off the handle speech giving additude, turns me on. Take me now!

(Blackfire and GR begin to roll around on the stage floor kissing)

GR: You may want to leave now!

(Everyone runs from their seats to the nearest exit)

Robin: Well this was an eventful evening.

Starfire: Yes friend Robin. And rather provocative as well.

Raven: Thank god this is over.

Cyborg: I just hope we can forget some things from this night.

BB: You can say that again. RUN AWAY!

(The Titans escape with the corneas attached as Blackfire and General Rage continue to make out)

Epilogue

-

Robin has recovered fully from his Steroid accident and is now returning to his obssesive state of hunting bad guys. Star has reinstituted his threapy sessions.So basically everything is back to normal between them.

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Cyborg got several offers from "Pimp my Ride" on MTV after they saw his parodying acting. So far he has pimped several awesome rides and is now going into the "Pimping Car" bussiness. He still fights bad guy though

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Starfire got a part in a action film called "Kill Andy" where she uses a magic sword of revenge to seek revenge against those whno wronged her and get her revenge against them at last. Shes gotten many proposals of marriage but she has turned them all down because she is too in love with Robin.

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Raven finally got to do her poetry readings and has kept her BB Shrine a total secret from everyone.

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Beastboy is still clueless.

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Val Yor was found dead in a ditch the following morning after the Oscar. He was murdered with a peace symbol sign.

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DW. Griffith and Tom Laughlin are still pussies

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Tom Cruise is dead, Katie Holmes is still free, Scientologists still deny Psychology could have helped Cruise stop being so crazy.

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Hollywood is still full of smug pricks. George Clooney died from taking too big a whiff of one of his farts.

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Slade won't stop calling General Rage to complete the "Turner Diaries" Parody. His whereabouts are unknown.

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General Rage and Blackfire moved to the Bahamas. Where Blackfire and him continue their lustful yet still rather disturbing relationship that is primarily based on having sex. Niether one minds though and it is apparent that they both love each other like a normal couple would. They plan on raising their first child and calling him Sargeant Pain. But they say they will continue to have sex anyway, thanks to the magic of the pill. General Rage wishes to take a brake from the movie bussiness for now... until he can find more movies to parody and exploit. Possibly Harry Potter or any number of his favourite action movies. BB has already signed on for whatever part Rage has planned for him in the hopes he gets the lead role again. Rage isn't promising anything to him. In the meantime we expect him to be working on other projects besides parodies.

We do hope you have enjoyed these parodies as much as we enjoyed making them and we do wish that you look forward to more stories in the future. Until then, keep rereading this story until the jokes stop making you laugh. Which happens inevitably with everything. Now go outside and play.


End file.
